my heart has been heavy lately. not only with the stress of school but the usual life demands. in the past six months life has drastically changed for me and i try to be the person i wish to be everyday. but its hard. its hard to love unconditionally when people constantly prove to me i shouldn't. its hard to always be considerate when people slam the door on your face. literally. alot. ive been hiding from myself and actually running from myself for a very long time and thinks it's because i dotn know who i am and that im scared when i figure it out ill hate myself. i used to be known as the bubbly happy person everyone could count on. and god to i miss that. but the downside was everyone thought i was dumb and no one was there for me. no i dont know who i am but then again who really does? i know i want to be bilingual. i know i want to travel and i know i want to love. life is no longer about dreaming its about living. and i want to live. for once i want someone to ask me whats wrong and care to hear the story. for once i want someone to chase me. for once i dont want to question if ill ever loose them. i saw a quote today "be the person you want to meet" then i realized that as much as it sucks to get that door slammed on your face there could be someone that could use the door being held open for them.

ive had a difficult week and ive been running from alot, death seems to do that to me. i find myself sad at all the things i wish i could have changed in my life and how i would do things differently and i cant, i cant make people better i cant make them not get sick and i surely cant make them love me.

im different than i was, but it seems i still want to change the same things, it seems the scenery may be different but the content will always feel the same. all i know is that i want change im just not sure how to acquire it, but ill never stop looking im never going to give up. cause thats what life is all about.

to me youre perfect, and i theres nothing i can do to think otherwise, but to you im just another person. and i dont how to change that.

life and lemons

i dont get it, i try so hard to be nice and caring yet i get stomped on, so i try have a backbone and im a horrible person. yet the people that have screwed me over time in and time again are super happy. why can i? why cant things just work for once? i know people say in time but im tired of waiting im tired on not knowing if the person is going to walk away like everyone else, im tired or never trusting yet when i do always getting let down. i just cant seem to find a common ground. for once i actually decided to not run away and believe me it took everything i had to not, i waited patiently even though it was killing me inside i thought i just need to give it a chance. and i got my heart broken again, and now for whatever reason its ruined every reason i was happy, i finally had a group where everyone got along. where i never had to worry about walking on egg shells. they were so fun and some of my friends got along with them too. them he broke it all, and me , and i dont even get to know why. i got treated like complete crap for something i dont even know what i did, maybe it wasnt me at all but who am i to know.

i thought for once things were looking up, but yet im still sitting here wondering what went wrong, the worst part is im slowly realizing im never going to find that one person that will always put me first friend wise, i thought i had but i was so wrong. i realize people are busy i get it but there is always, always has been and seemingly always will be before me no matter how hard i try. i used to be the nicest person you could ever meet, and yeah no im a little meaner than i would like and im trying so hard to not be but its hard when thats turned into your defence mechanism. i know im still going to try and trust people and its always going to be hard, but i promised my self i wouldnt be hurt over this and im trying so hard and i think ive done a pretty darn good job and im starting to realize that i only have myself to run to these days. and i wish so bad that it wasnt that way. youll never learn if dont make mistakes i get it but im tired of constantly feeling like this is seems itll never go away. maybe in time it will but gah i just want to happy and know exactly what i need and i just cant seem to find it.

la di da

have you ever seen that moment when you are the happiest you think youll ever be? and its amazing like everything is finally falling into place maybe not completely perfect or the way you imagined but yet you're still happy. then theres the moment where you dont know where it all went wrong all of a sudden it does seem so great, that there's this black cloud following you and you dont know how to fix it or why its even there. its the feeling in the pit of your stomach that everything is about to go horribly wrong and there's nothing you can do to stop it, but yet you dont even know where its going to come from. its a horribe feeling. it makes you feel hopeless and helpless. and sad. but then there's that moment when you were completely wrong and you feel like an idoit for ever thinking it was about to be horrible. well i sure hope its the last one cause ive had the first feeling and i would give anything to get it back.

not fair

you cant treat me like and expect to be nice, but i tried to be nice to protect you even thought you destroyed me and yet you get mad at you for pushing all a side to make sure youre okay? somehow that doesnt seems fair.

confusions

i got asked a question today that got me thinking. it was"who's your best friend?" and normally i would freak out and get upset and make myself believe that i have one and honestly couldn't answer. i am so tired of holding on to things that don't last. i have close friends, and friends that know me well, or used to be best friends. the term is so over used and its left with no meaning. in the past month every person that i would ever consider being a best friend has always one upped me with someone else, they've known them longer, or know them better, brothers are friends, lives some where else. moving here is my life and it sucked, Ive had good times and always wondered if it would be different, but honestly it would be the same crap just a different pile. it will never change, and i refuse to keep holding onto it when i know I'm more invested than the other person. i always end up hurt or confused and left not knowing how to answer that question.

the quote don't make some one a priority if you re their option, has been the story of my life. and Ive accepted it, Ive always allow myself to be an option and i still do.

Ive changed a lot in the past six months in some ways and some ways i haven't, i don't know if its good or not. but i can stand on my own two feet and be okay. i may get sad at times and miss things but i don't get like i did. and I'm proud of myself, some people say I'm cold hearted and insensitive but they haven't tried to understand why i do it. and that's what gets me. you cant sit there and judge me on what I'm doing when you have no idea why or can even care to ask. I'm not proud of a lot of things Ive screwed up. and I'm still there for people when they need it. but I'm not going to out of my way to push them to tell me cause of a facebook status, if you need me I'm there Ive always said it and it will always be true.

it finally clicked that when i had some major realizations, i had literally no one to tell. i kept it in for weeks before i mentioned it.and many people still don't know and maybe never will. and in a way it makes me laugh cause there are two of the biggest things that could happen in my life, besides having children or getting married etc. not only would no one understand, they wouldn't care. and it doesn't matter, it stung having to keep it in and knowing i had no one to tell but realistically they know its true. and I'm tired of being told how to think and act and that my hair to is curly or I'm weird for wearing heels I'm so sick of people controlling me and manipulating me that if i have to step back and be distant for a while to get them to realize that then i will. cause unlike the way Ive been treated for years i am an individual and i have my own decisions to make.

im tired of being treated the same way over and over, its not that i want to start over but i want to feel like there's more respect than there is. i want to have fun and meet new people without being accused of running away. i don't want it to all go away, but i do want a change of pace. im almost 20 for goodness sake and i want to make new friends and go out and have fun, am i not allowed to make friends that people don't know? i just don't want to feel this way anymore i don't want to miserable anymore, i want to be happy. and be truly happy.

please explain it to me

you mean the absolute world to me and no one left in my life understands that, i cant even express how torn i am. i just want a hug a real one and no one can hug me the way you used to, hugs used to happen an excessive amount with friends, and now it never does. i love you and i want to see you everyday but i cant i physically and emotionally cant, there feels like somethings missing in my life and usually you fix that but you cant and now the hole is growing and im begining to grow more numb, ive been very good lately at not freaking out and handling things calmly but i dont know if i can anymore, i cant talk to you and it be a distraction it makes me worried, i cry on the phone but i hide it cause you dont know. i just run around a work hoping itll distract me but when i sit for more than a second it hits me like a million semi trucks and it hurts so much, too much. i just want you to make it better but you cant, so what now?

life

why do i need to sit here and defend myself? its a two way street and we are all wrong. so dont come up to me telling what i am or am not doing. or what i should and should not be doing. as far as im concerned im living. im working my ass off to pay for school. and to be promoted which well half of you probably dont even know. its a big deal for me ive had to work for almost two years to get even considered and its gunna take till the end of the summer for it too be in place. and nobody seems to care. i can sit here and cry whoa is me for hours, but im done. i here the crap you guys say about me behind my back yet no one tries to fix it. they expect me to. and im waiting to hear from you. its not the same anymore and you cant sit there and try and tell me it is. we are a family anymore, its broken nobody really cares. and i cant be the only one seeing that. ive tried for years to keep this family together and its been broken and re shaped, which is fine, but i cant take the pressure of always being the one expected to do everything. granted maybe i should have spoke up more but im not the one putting up fights. you cant just come up to me and point blank be a jerk it doesnt work that way sorry. i have more of a backbone and its from everyone constantly down my throat about everything, im sick of. i went away trying to search for myself and i found it. and when i came back no one seemed to care, so why should i. im not trying to be a bitch but at some point you have to realize that its all falling apart and i actually cant think of how to fix it this time. im not mad, im hurt and im sad its falling apart but its reality. im not ready to let go not even close. but i cant keep sitting everyday wondering if im still welcome in your life it hurts too much and nobody seems to see that.

hoem again

i knew this would happen eventually everyone going their own way and i was ok with it cause i had a few people you still talk to me.. but now they are also fading. i want to leave and go back to rome. coming home only made it worse. im now sitting here alone after being gone for almost three weeks wiith little contact before. not even my parents are home. its awesome. i had fun there it was warm. the only thing i was craving when i was gone was a hug and honestly theres not many who can give the love hug in my life anymore. i want to start over make a new life make new friends and know my other family. its not that i want to forget this life. i very much want to live this life. but it feels as though theres nothing left for me. that i need to move on. or are being cut out. it sucks to feel this way and maybe im not justified. but barely anyone said goodbye and one person has said hello. and that really hurts. it hurts more than alot of things that have hurt me before.

changes

im walking on the streets of scotland wondering why is this bothering me? when i left home i intended on forgetting my life and i thought katie did too but she couldnt and wont shut up about it. she wants to go home and i reallly am dreading it. to be honest theres nothing i miss at home. my parents drive me crazy my friends well im sure i dont really have any anymore considering barely anyone talked to me or has even shown they give two craps for months now. and yet im still here fighting and holding on and for what. last time i did that i got hurt and yes it kills me to let go. but i have to. im in europe trying to live every moment cause i dont want it to end and the only person you semi understands why is mulling around till we get home. i want to have fun and yes sightseeing is fun...to an extent, but i want to meet people go out and have fun and we havent really done any of that and im actually super pissed. i have no one to talk to anymore, and people say i can talk to them but i cant its just redundant now. i have no life back at home. and ive had one person and a co-worker say they miss me only a few people even said goodbye and thats cause i messaged them first, and it hurts and its not fair. my job is the only thing i feel i need to go back to and that makes me sad. i want out of langley and ive fallen in love with scotland the culture and history is amazing the streets and buildings are ancient and i love it. when i get home im going to bust my ass to finish school get another job finish school and get a job over here. i want to do it. and whats the point in living a life you dont want to live.

im at the point in my life where i need to live and i need to start over and im not running away ive come to terms with the fact that theres nothing left for me where i am and im not scared to start over in another country im actually really ecxcited. and i dont plan on telling many people. but i put it in here cause its the only thing i can vent to that nobody really pays attention to.

tribute to us

Ive been analyzing lately. alot and i think this time it worked in my favor.

Ive looked at our friendship and starred and thought how in the hell did we get here?

How do we fit together? Why do we conitue to try to make something work that seemingly isn't? and part of it is the past wondering how long it takes for you to leave too. and part of it is general curiosity. our personalities are so different.... we mesh, not all the time but we make it work. we have been through alot together. and we know alot about each other. we went from complete stangers to friends in 24 hours. we've spend a month on opposite sides of the world, we stopped talking, wanted to punch each other in the face, injured each other, cried together, bickered non stop. and now we are we? we dont talk much, but you know thats life, it gets in the way. i know i have alot going on, and so do you, but you know whats great? that after all that its not awkward, whether is two hours or two months without each other it goes back to normal.

ive been thinking about our friendship for a very long time and i get parnoid that we will go our seperate ways but if we havent already maybe we wont. we know each other pretty well, and we may not be "best friends" but thats ok cause we are sisters and we resemble family more than anything so i think its perfect. i have a past and its not going to change, life has obstacles and whether they are big or small im going to have to deal with them and i may not deal with them the same, its already changing. but i know that if i'm having a melt down and you can you will do your best to help me. im always going to paranoid that ill loose you as much as that drives you crazy, and its cause i love you. and i dont want to loose you.

i think there is something that has been pushing us to stay friends, and call me crazy but i think people are put in our lives for a reason, good or bad to help us make life easier and to teach us lessons. and as much as we may bicker or argue i think we were supposed to stumble upon each other...no matter how weird we did. whether we stay friends for a very long time or not i couldnt say but at least i can say that i was able to have this friendship in the first place. life is in action for us right now and its going to get crazy these few years it already has been but i hope that as we move on we can still keep the openness that weve always had with each other. i dont know i guess all this has been on my mind and i was hard to say or even type for a while, and i know its all cheezy and blah blah blah but take it as you will, and just know i love you, sisters. friends. accomplises. anything.

there are a few things that will completely make me go insane with sadness. the loss of friends or the thought. some thing is wrong with my grandma. or to know i hurt someone i care about. all of which has happened this week. awesome right? in a way yes. i went throught some bad times way back when and sometimes they creep back and i deal. i find ways to get around it or avoid it. but the last week well few weeks. ok months have been a rollercoaster. most of it not knowing what to do anymore. i have moments when i know i really want to be a youth worker and other moments where i think i cant handle cause ive got too many of my own issues. but in the end its my heart that tells me i have to push through it and actually work through the problems. normally to do that would be friends but lately that didnt seem like it was going to happen. it took for a friend to reach out and be like hey you know what i want to be closer with you and im not taking no for an answer for me to start making myself work through it. i went from depressed to ignoring it to super sad and angry to ok to sad then just to ignoring it then back to confused frustrated and hurting. all because these three thing were going on at the same time. i had to do something i dont regret but not proud of. i had to break up with my boyfriend. it wasnt working and i didnt want to fool myself anymore or him. did i mention i hate confrontation? so there i was having to possibly split up our friends (if it had turned into a huge deal. which it thankfully didnt) and hurt someone i cared about while dealing with other things and i had to step out of my shell. not fun i must say. so i was pretty down. just looking for a way to get out of this stupid funk i had been in. and i started looking through old photos, after many tears and realizations. i remembered white rock. then i started to miss it. at that point i stopped thinking and just did it. i picked up a friend that i felt slipping who is going through her own stuff as well and took her to my safe place. we had fun and i rememebered how to breathe. it opened my eyes to alot. i made a comment to someone that has recently left my life. and it popped into my head. " i know the people in my life care about me cause they are still there" at the time i believed it. ive gone back and forth a few times but if they didnt want to be they could just leave and i would never hear from them again. to me my friends are my world my other family i will do whatever it takes to keep that family together. im still working things out and relaxing that knott thatss still in the piot of my stomach. but itll be ok the sky isnt literally falling. i may feel like a horrible person for some of the things ive done lately and i mean they arent that bad but they get to me. but i can only say sorry so many times before itll loose meaning. i am sorry so so sorry and i dont know if people even realize it. they havent asked my side. they havent even glanced.

ive had alot of unwanted ghosts looming over me these past few days. people that are out of my life for numerous reason but it seems this week i cant stop hearing about them. its not that i dont want the people around me to not be friends with them i just want to sit in my own world and pretend they arent around at all. With this ive heard alot of stuff they've said about me to my friends, and that stings a bit i know what its like to be in their postion and have to listen to it and not know what to do. but it makes me think if we had such a falling out to the point you "hate" me then why are you asking about me why are you trying to see what im up to just stay out of my life please. i dont want to hear about how you dis me and say im such a horrible person. i have enough self confidence issues and friend issues and issues with you and what we went through i dont need you brain washing my friends into thinking those things too. cause alot of what you say is so not true on my side. you didnt know what i was thinking so stop insinuating. it throws little dagggers at me. and i dont need this right now. ive heard alot about what people have said about me or say about me. and some of it isnt so good and so i sit hear and wonder if thats what some people are thinking people that are close to me or were close to me than what am i doing wrong? what bugs me is no one will stand up and say hey this what your doing its not cool. but instead lets them find out that youve been complaining about it other people. hows anything going to get solved? and yes ive done it myself and its not right. but its also protects the person in a way. i dont know its all so confusing right now and im just not sure how to make things out.

hello

remember the time we used to not be at each others throats? when we used to talk about all the good times and not the bad? cause its becoming a distant memory and not longer and reality. i miss what we had and im not sure where it went wrong or if it was even ever ok and i just thought it was. ive done stupid stuff before and lately but weve been throught worse. hell weve been with out each other. there are times i think im helping you and sometimes i think you tell me stuff cause you feel you have to. i rely on you alot and i try so hard not to but sometimes your the ony one who gets me you know how i work youve seen me at my complete worst and best. and i cant stand to loose you. i feel though sometimes we need to talk things throught but i get scared itll go bad and well loose each other i cant comprhend that at all. i love you with all my heart and sometimes i wish i believed that you and everybody else would show that they feel the same way towards me and occasionally it happens. but the bugging happens more. so i know i messed up trust me i know but i dont know what to do but let you come to me when you are done being mad which i respect and totally understand.

when the walls fall down tonight

ive done alot of thinking this week so much that im surprised my mind hasnt exploded to be honest. ive thought about how life is never going to go the way you hope ever. there will always be something in the way. now you can go on and tell me not to let thing get in the way but that would be a lie. cause love isnt going to stop cancer from spreading or parents to get a divorce. or help pay for school. its not going to do diddly squat. ive done stupid things lately and im not proud of it. i go on and on about how i just want to help people. but lately it seems im making things worse and that only makes me worry more. im not sure what to think or say anymore. ever since ive moved it been a hell of a roller coaster. and ive vented alot into this blog. but now i really dont know it feels as though all my families are falling apart. and when ever i start to trust again. they go and flat out lie to me. i used to love hanging out with people and my family and going to youth now it seems like a chore. my friends all we do is fight and it hurts cause i want it to be like the movies where youve known your best friend for years and you have a solid friendship itll be a long time before that happens for me cause im about ten years behind everyone. if feel sometimes i have that "best friend" and sometimes i dont but i always feel like im never someones elses beset friend never really have came to that conclusion in grade three or four. there must be something i do constantly to screw things up and im that person everyone complains about because i cant think of anything else when i try to keep everything together. now my family well its been falling apart for years. i dont remember a time it was together. but now when we sit in the same room i have to sit and listen to how sick my grandma is how bad shes doing and looks. it makes it worse cause when they all leave i sit in a ball and cry. my work which is another one the third place if you will (starbucks speak) is also falling apart and that added on to being scared to start school again and have the sandyhill/mountian school fiasco again scares me more than i thought. for the past week ive pretty much come home from work counting the hours till its socially appropriate to go to bed. it feels as though i can tell my story over and over to numerous people and they still dont get it. i may seem fine and together and have it all figured out but i dont i try i try so hard to have it together but these imperfections that some see trivial are a major part of my life and when one starts to crumble it affects me but when they all crumble well i guess we'll see what happens. as it seems to me that no one is really listening.