there are a few things that will completely make me go insane with sadness. the loss of friends or the thought. some thing is wrong with my grandma. or to know i hurt someone i care about. all of which has happened this week. awesome right? in a way yes. i went throught some bad times way back when and sometimes they creep back and i deal. i find ways to get around it or avoid it. but the last week well few weeks. ok months have been a rollercoaster. most of it not knowing what to do anymore. i have moments when i know i really want to be a youth worker and other moments where i think i cant handle cause ive got too many of my own issues. but in the end its my heart that tells me i have to push through it and actually work through the problems. normally to do that would be friends but lately that didnt seem like it was going to happen. it took for a friend to reach out and be like hey you know what i want to be closer with you and im not taking no for an answer for me to start making myself work through it. i went from depressed to ignoring it to super sad and angry to ok to sad then just to ignoring it then back to confused frustrated and hurting. all because these three thing were going on at the same time. i had to do something i dont regret but not proud of. i had to break up with my boyfriend. it wasnt working and i didnt want to fool myself anymore or him. did i mention i hate confrontation? so there i was having to possibly split up our friends (if it had turned into a huge deal. which it thankfully didnt) and hurt someone i cared about while dealing with other things and i had to step out of my shell. not fun i must say. so i was pretty down. just looking for a way to get out of this stupid funk i had been in. and i started looking through old photos, after many tears and realizations. i remembered white rock. then i started to miss it. at that point i stopped thinking and just did it. i picked up a friend that i felt slipping who is going through her own stuff as well and took her to my safe place. we had fun and i rememebered how to breathe. it opened my eyes to alot. i made a comment to someone that has recently left my life. and it popped into my head. " i know the people in my life care about me cause they are still there" at the time i believed it. ive gone back and forth a few times but if they didnt want to be they could just leave and i would never hear from them again. to me my friends are my world my other family i will do whatever it takes to keep that family together. im still working things out and relaxing that knott thatss still in the piot of my stomach. but itll be ok the sky isnt literally falling. i may feel like a horrible person for some of the things ive done lately and i mean they arent that bad but they get to me. but i can only say sorry so many times before itll loose meaning. i am sorry so so sorry and i dont know if people even realize it. they havent asked my side. they havent even glanced.