when the walls fall down tonight

ive done alot of thinking this week so much that im surprised my mind hasnt exploded to be honest. ive thought about how life is never going to go the way you hope ever. there will always be something in the way. now you can go on and tell me not to let thing get in the way but that would be a lie. cause love isnt going to stop cancer from spreading or parents to get a divorce. or help pay for school. its not going to do diddly squat. ive done stupid things lately and im not proud of it. i go on and on about how i just want to help people. but lately it seems im making things worse and that only makes me worry more. im not sure what to think or say anymore. ever since ive moved it been a hell of a roller coaster. and ive vented alot into this blog. but now i really dont know it feels as though all my families are falling apart. and when ever i start to trust again. they go and flat out lie to me. i used to love hanging out with people and my family and going to youth now it seems like a chore. my friends all we do is fight and it hurts cause i want it to be like the movies where youve known your best friend for years and you have a solid friendship itll be a long time before that happens for me cause im about ten years behind everyone. if feel sometimes i have that "best friend" and sometimes i dont but i always feel like im never someones elses beset friend never really have came to that conclusion in grade three or four. there must be something i do constantly to screw things up and im that person everyone complains about because i cant think of anything else when i try to keep everything together. now my family well its been falling apart for years. i dont remember a time it was together. but now when we sit in the same room i have to sit and listen to how sick my grandma is how bad shes doing and looks. it makes it worse cause when they all leave i sit in a ball and cry. my work which is another one the third place if you will (starbucks speak) is also falling apart and that added on to being scared to start school again and have the sandyhill/mountian school fiasco again scares me more than i thought. for the past week ive pretty much come home from work counting the hours till its socially appropriate to go to bed. it feels as though i can tell my story over and over to numerous people and they still dont get it. i may seem fine and together and have it all figured out but i dont i try i try so hard to have it together but these imperfections that some see trivial are a major part of my life and when one starts to crumble it affects me but when they all crumble well i guess we'll see what happens. as it seems to me that no one is really listening.