there are a few things that will completely make me go insane with sadness. the loss of friends or the thought. some thing is wrong with my grandma. or to know i hurt someone i care about. all of which has happened this week. awesome right? in a way yes. i went throught some bad times way back when and sometimes they creep back and i deal. i find ways to get around it or avoid it. but the last week well few weeks. ok months have been a rollercoaster. most of it not knowing what to do anymore. i have moments when i know i really want to be a youth worker and other moments where i think i cant handle cause ive got too many of my own issues. but in the end its my heart that tells me i have to push through it and actually work through the problems. normally to do that would be friends but lately that didnt seem like it was going to happen. it took for a friend to reach out and be like hey you know what i want to be closer with you and im not taking no for an answer for me to start making myself work through it. i went from depressed to ignoring it to super sad and angry to ok to sad then just to ignoring it then back to confused frustrated and hurting. all because these three thing were going on at the same time. i had to do something i dont regret but not proud of. i had to break up with my boyfriend. it wasnt working and i didnt want to fool myself anymore or him. did i mention i hate confrontation? so there i was having to possibly split up our friends (if it had turned into a huge deal. which it thankfully didnt) and hurt someone i cared about while dealing with other things and i had to step out of my shell. not fun i must say. so i was pretty down. just looking for a way to get out of this stupid funk i had been in. and i started looking through old photos, after many tears and realizations. i remembered white rock. then i started to miss it. at that point i stopped thinking and just did it. i picked up a friend that i felt slipping who is going through her own stuff as well and took her to my safe place. we had fun and i rememebered how to breathe. it opened my eyes to alot. i made a comment to someone that has recently left my life. and it popped into my head. " i know the people in my life care about me cause they are still there" at the time i believed it. ive gone back and forth a few times but if they didnt want to be they could just leave and i would never hear from them again. to me my friends are my world my other family i will do whatever it takes to keep that family together. im still working things out and relaxing that knott thatss still in the piot of my stomach. but itll be ok the sky isnt literally falling. i may feel like a horrible person for some of the things ive done lately and i mean they arent that bad but they get to me. but i can only say sorry so many times before itll loose meaning. i am sorry so so sorry and i dont know if people even realize it. they havent asked my side. they havent even glanced.

ive had alot of unwanted ghosts looming over me these past few days. people that are out of my life for numerous reason but it seems this week i cant stop hearing about them. its not that i dont want the people around me to not be friends with them i just want to sit in my own world and pretend they arent around at all. With this ive heard alot of stuff they've said about me to my friends, and that stings a bit i know what its like to be in their postion and have to listen to it and not know what to do. but it makes me think if we had such a falling out to the point you "hate" me then why are you asking about me why are you trying to see what im up to just stay out of my life please. i dont want to hear about how you dis me and say im such a horrible person. i have enough self confidence issues and friend issues and issues with you and what we went through i dont need you brain washing my friends into thinking those things too. cause alot of what you say is so not true on my side. you didnt know what i was thinking so stop insinuating. it throws little dagggers at me. and i dont need this right now. ive heard alot about what people have said about me or say about me. and some of it isnt so good and so i sit hear and wonder if thats what some people are thinking people that are close to me or were close to me than what am i doing wrong? what bugs me is no one will stand up and say hey this what your doing its not cool. but instead lets them find out that youve been complaining about it other people. hows anything going to get solved? and yes ive done it myself and its not right. but its also protects the person in a way. i dont know its all so confusing right now and im just not sure how to make things out.

hello

remember the time we used to not be at each others throats? when we used to talk about all the good times and not the bad? cause its becoming a distant memory and not longer and reality. i miss what we had and im not sure where it went wrong or if it was even ever ok and i just thought it was. ive done stupid stuff before and lately but weve been throught worse. hell weve been with out each other. there are times i think im helping you and sometimes i think you tell me stuff cause you feel you have to. i rely on you alot and i try so hard not to but sometimes your the ony one who gets me you know how i work youve seen me at my complete worst and best. and i cant stand to loose you. i feel though sometimes we need to talk things throught but i get scared itll go bad and well loose each other i cant comprhend that at all. i love you with all my heart and sometimes i wish i believed that you and everybody else would show that they feel the same way towards me and occasionally it happens. but the bugging happens more. so i know i messed up trust me i know but i dont know what to do but let you come to me when you are done being mad which i respect and totally understand.

when the walls fall down tonight

ive done alot of thinking this week so much that im surprised my mind hasnt exploded to be honest. ive thought about how life is never going to go the way you hope ever. there will always be something in the way. now you can go on and tell me not to let thing get in the way but that would be a lie. cause love isnt going to stop cancer from spreading or parents to get a divorce. or help pay for school. its not going to do diddly squat. ive done stupid things lately and im not proud of it. i go on and on about how i just want to help people. but lately it seems im making things worse and that only makes me worry more. im not sure what to think or say anymore. ever since ive moved it been a hell of a roller coaster. and ive vented alot into this blog. but now i really dont know it feels as though all my families are falling apart. and when ever i start to trust again. they go and flat out lie to me. i used to love hanging out with people and my family and going to youth now it seems like a chore. my friends all we do is fight and it hurts cause i want it to be like the movies where youve known your best friend for years and you have a solid friendship itll be a long time before that happens for me cause im about ten years behind everyone. if feel sometimes i have that "best friend" and sometimes i dont but i always feel like im never someones elses beset friend never really have came to that conclusion in grade three or four. there must be something i do constantly to screw things up and im that person everyone complains about because i cant think of anything else when i try to keep everything together. now my family well its been falling apart for years. i dont remember a time it was together. but now when we sit in the same room i have to sit and listen to how sick my grandma is how bad shes doing and looks. it makes it worse cause when they all leave i sit in a ball and cry. my work which is another one the third place if you will (starbucks speak) is also falling apart and that added on to being scared to start school again and have the sandyhill/mountian school fiasco again scares me more than i thought. for the past week ive pretty much come home from work counting the hours till its socially appropriate to go to bed. it feels as though i can tell my story over and over to numerous people and they still dont get it. i may seem fine and together and have it all figured out but i dont i try i try so hard to have it together but these imperfections that some see trivial are a major part of my life and when one starts to crumble it affects me but when they all crumble well i guess we'll see what happens. as it seems to me that no one is really listening.

christmas?

christmas has never been one of those days you look forward to for me. as i got older it was more a chore than anything. bouncing between houses acting all excited when your step family gets you a really crappy gifts you know they didnt want to buy in the first place and make sure you catch that the drift.

chrsitmas was supposed to be the one day you came closer to your family right? not in my house someone is arguing at some point. the one sanity i had was my grandma and i always saw her that was the best part for me was seeing her happy. but this one year was bad she got really sick so my step dad and uncle made dinner (after much bitching and arguing with everyone) but it got worse to the point my grandma started crying ill never forget that day.

anyway where am i going with all this is to show you its never been a completely pleasent experience for me. so this year when i found out i wa not just leaving for christmas and not seeing my grandma my parents are getting a divorce and i cant be there when it all starts to get to me or even be around my friends i almost crashed.

everyone has been fighting everywhere i turn around and its starting to really piss me off to the point im not sure how to handle it. im not saying im innocent in this cause ive probably started stuff too and as much as i wanted a break from it all. when i was gone it all started to hit me i really missed all my friends as much as we drive each other crazy.

i mean in one way im glad i got to skip it all....the whole shebang. but on the other hand im not. ive only been back for a while so i guess we'll see how it goes.

life

birthdays are so important to me. i dont care who it is your birthday should be special. last year wa the worst one if had, for numerous reasons. and this year i give up. ive tried to make it good but it doesnt matter what i say or do it just tends to suck. everyone is fighting or cant be in the same room two of my best friends still hate each other and it sucks, cause my birthday is coming and i dont know what to do. youd think they would suck it up and get along for one evening for who i thought was a best friend, but no. they cant they have to make my life hell. so i have sat and thought for many many hours on what to do, and last year keeps coming back to mind. so i still dont know. and its come down to it wher because of my friends i can not have a party. because people wont come or a fight will start something i shouldnt have to deal with at my birthday, and that really gets to me. i would sit in a room with the two people i hate for a friends birthday, i would throw a fail surprise party where everything goes wrong for a friend, i would almost do anything tomake them happy. all year round i try to make them happy, and even at my party i still try to make them happy and yet they cant do the same for me on one day out of three hundred and sixty five? i just dont know what to do anymore.

this is for all my girlies, who may not have the confidence to believe they are beautiful, and may not think they are loved. but i think they are all beautiful and i love them with all my heart <3

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today