confusions

i got asked a question today that got me thinking. it was"who's your best friend?" and normally i would freak out and get upset and make myself believe that i have one and honestly couldn't answer. i am so tired of holding on to things that don't last. i have close friends, and friends that know me well, or used to be best friends. the term is so over used and its left with no meaning. in the past month every person that i would ever consider being a best friend has always one upped me with someone else, they've known them longer, or know them better, brothers are friends, lives some where else. moving here is my life and it sucked, Ive had good times and always wondered if it would be different, but honestly it would be the same crap just a different pile. it will never change, and i refuse to keep holding onto it when i know I'm more invested than the other person. i always end up hurt or confused and left not knowing how to answer that question.

the quote don't make some one a priority if you re their option, has been the story of my life. and Ive accepted it, Ive always allow myself to be an option and i still do.

Ive changed a lot in the past six months in some ways and some ways i haven't, i don't know if its good or not. but i can stand on my own two feet and be okay. i may get sad at times and miss things but i don't get like i did. and I'm proud of myself, some people say I'm cold hearted and insensitive but they haven't tried to understand why i do it. and that's what gets me. you cant sit there and judge me on what I'm doing when you have no idea why or can even care to ask. I'm not proud of a lot of things Ive screwed up. and I'm still there for people when they need it. but I'm not going to out of my way to push them to tell me cause of a facebook status, if you need me I'm there Ive always said it and it will always be true.

it finally clicked that when i had some major realizations, i had literally no one to tell. i kept it in for weeks before i mentioned it.and many people still don't know and maybe never will. and in a way it makes me laugh cause there are two of the biggest things that could happen in my life, besides having children or getting married etc. not only would no one understand, they wouldn't care. and it doesn't matter, it stung having to keep it in and knowing i had no one to tell but realistically they know its true. and I'm tired of being told how to think and act and that my hair to is curly or I'm weird for wearing heels I'm so sick of people controlling me and manipulating me that if i have to step back and be distant for a while to get them to realize that then i will. cause unlike the way Ive been treated for years i am an individual and i have my own decisions to make.

im tired of being treated the same way over and over, its not that i want to start over but i want to feel like there's more respect than there is. i want to have fun and meet new people without being accused of running away. i don't want it to all go away, but i do want a change of pace. im almost 20 for goodness sake and i want to make new friends and go out and have fun, am i not allowed to make friends that people don't know? i just don't want to feel this way anymore i don't want to miserable anymore, i want to be happy. and be truly happy.

please explain it to me

you mean the absolute world to me and no one left in my life understands that, i cant even express how torn i am. i just want a hug a real one and no one can hug me the way you used to, hugs used to happen an excessive amount with friends, and now it never does. i love you and i want to see you everyday but i cant i physically and emotionally cant, there feels like somethings missing in my life and usually you fix that but you cant and now the hole is growing and im begining to grow more numb, ive been very good lately at not freaking out and handling things calmly but i dont know if i can anymore, i cant talk to you and it be a distraction it makes me worried, i cry on the phone but i hide it cause you dont know. i just run around a work hoping itll distract me but when i sit for more than a second it hits me like a million semi trucks and it hurts so much, too much. i just want you to make it better but you cant, so what now?

life

why do i need to sit here and defend myself? its a two way street and we are all wrong. so dont come up to me telling what i am or am not doing. or what i should and should not be doing. as far as im concerned im living. im working my ass off to pay for school. and to be promoted which well half of you probably dont even know. its a big deal for me ive had to work for almost two years to get even considered and its gunna take till the end of the summer for it too be in place. and nobody seems to care. i can sit here and cry whoa is me for hours, but im done. i here the crap you guys say about me behind my back yet no one tries to fix it. they expect me to. and im waiting to hear from you. its not the same anymore and you cant sit there and try and tell me it is. we are a family anymore, its broken nobody really cares. and i cant be the only one seeing that. ive tried for years to keep this family together and its been broken and re shaped, which is fine, but i cant take the pressure of always being the one expected to do everything. granted maybe i should have spoke up more but im not the one putting up fights. you cant just come up to me and point blank be a jerk it doesnt work that way sorry. i have more of a backbone and its from everyone constantly down my throat about everything, im sick of. i went away trying to search for myself and i found it. and when i came back no one seemed to care, so why should i. im not trying to be a bitch but at some point you have to realize that its all falling apart and i actually cant think of how to fix it this time. im not mad, im hurt and im sad its falling apart but its reality. im not ready to let go not even close. but i cant keep sitting everyday wondering if im still welcome in your life it hurts too much and nobody seems to see that.

hoem again

i knew this would happen eventually everyone going their own way and i was ok with it cause i had a few people you still talk to me.. but now they are also fading. i want to leave and go back to rome. coming home only made it worse. im now sitting here alone after being gone for almost three weeks wiith little contact before. not even my parents are home. its awesome. i had fun there it was warm. the only thing i was craving when i was gone was a hug and honestly theres not many who can give the love hug in my life anymore. i want to start over make a new life make new friends and know my other family. its not that i want to forget this life. i very much want to live this life. but it feels as though theres nothing left for me. that i need to move on. or are being cut out. it sucks to feel this way and maybe im not justified. but barely anyone said goodbye and one person has said hello. and that really hurts. it hurts more than alot of things that have hurt me before.

changes

im walking on the streets of scotland wondering why is this bothering me? when i left home i intended on forgetting my life and i thought katie did too but she couldnt and wont shut up about it. she wants to go home and i reallly am dreading it. to be honest theres nothing i miss at home. my parents drive me crazy my friends well im sure i dont really have any anymore considering barely anyone talked to me or has even shown they give two craps for months now. and yet im still here fighting and holding on and for what. last time i did that i got hurt and yes it kills me to let go. but i have to. im in europe trying to live every moment cause i dont want it to end and the only person you semi understands why is mulling around till we get home. i want to have fun and yes sightseeing is fun...to an extent, but i want to meet people go out and have fun and we havent really done any of that and im actually super pissed. i have no one to talk to anymore, and people say i can talk to them but i cant its just redundant now. i have no life back at home. and ive had one person and a co-worker say they miss me only a few people even said goodbye and thats cause i messaged them first, and it hurts and its not fair. my job is the only thing i feel i need to go back to and that makes me sad. i want out of langley and ive fallen in love with scotland the culture and history is amazing the streets and buildings are ancient and i love it. when i get home im going to bust my ass to finish school get another job finish school and get a job over here. i want to do it. and whats the point in living a life you dont want to live.

im at the point in my life where i need to live and i need to start over and im not running away ive come to terms with the fact that theres nothing left for me where i am and im not scared to start over in another country im actually really ecxcited. and i dont plan on telling many people. but i put it in here cause its the only thing i can vent to that nobody really pays attention to.

tribute to us

Ive been analyzing lately. alot and i think this time it worked in my favor.

Ive looked at our friendship and starred and thought how in the hell did we get here?

How do we fit together? Why do we conitue to try to make something work that seemingly isn't? and part of it is the past wondering how long it takes for you to leave too. and part of it is general curiosity. our personalities are so different.... we mesh, not all the time but we make it work. we have been through alot together. and we know alot about each other. we went from complete stangers to friends in 24 hours. we've spend a month on opposite sides of the world, we stopped talking, wanted to punch each other in the face, injured each other, cried together, bickered non stop. and now we are we? we dont talk much, but you know thats life, it gets in the way. i know i have alot going on, and so do you, but you know whats great? that after all that its not awkward, whether is two hours or two months without each other it goes back to normal.

ive been thinking about our friendship for a very long time and i get parnoid that we will go our seperate ways but if we havent already maybe we wont. we know each other pretty well, and we may not be "best friends" but thats ok cause we are sisters and we resemble family more than anything so i think its perfect. i have a past and its not going to change, life has obstacles and whether they are big or small im going to have to deal with them and i may not deal with them the same, its already changing. but i know that if i'm having a melt down and you can you will do your best to help me. im always going to paranoid that ill loose you as much as that drives you crazy, and its cause i love you. and i dont want to loose you.

i think there is something that has been pushing us to stay friends, and call me crazy but i think people are put in our lives for a reason, good or bad to help us make life easier and to teach us lessons. and as much as we may bicker or argue i think we were supposed to stumble upon each other...no matter how weird we did. whether we stay friends for a very long time or not i couldnt say but at least i can say that i was able to have this friendship in the first place. life is in action for us right now and its going to get crazy these few years it already has been but i hope that as we move on we can still keep the openness that weve always had with each other. i dont know i guess all this has been on my mind and i was hard to say or even type for a while, and i know its all cheezy and blah blah blah but take it as you will, and just know i love you, sisters. friends. accomplises. anything.

there are a few things that will completely make me go insane with sadness. the loss of friends or the thought. some thing is wrong with my grandma. or to know i hurt someone i care about. all of which has happened this week. awesome right? in a way yes. i went throught some bad times way back when and sometimes they creep back and i deal. i find ways to get around it or avoid it. but the last week well few weeks. ok months have been a rollercoaster. most of it not knowing what to do anymore. i have moments when i know i really want to be a youth worker and other moments where i think i cant handle cause ive got too many of my own issues. but in the end its my heart that tells me i have to push through it and actually work through the problems. normally to do that would be friends but lately that didnt seem like it was going to happen. it took for a friend to reach out and be like hey you know what i want to be closer with you and im not taking no for an answer for me to start making myself work through it. i went from depressed to ignoring it to super sad and angry to ok to sad then just to ignoring it then back to confused frustrated and hurting. all because these three thing were going on at the same time. i had to do something i dont regret but not proud of. i had to break up with my boyfriend. it wasnt working and i didnt want to fool myself anymore or him. did i mention i hate confrontation? so there i was having to possibly split up our friends (if it had turned into a huge deal. which it thankfully didnt) and hurt someone i cared about while dealing with other things and i had to step out of my shell. not fun i must say. so i was pretty down. just looking for a way to get out of this stupid funk i had been in. and i started looking through old photos, after many tears and realizations. i remembered white rock. then i started to miss it. at that point i stopped thinking and just did it. i picked up a friend that i felt slipping who is going through her own stuff as well and took her to my safe place. we had fun and i rememebered how to breathe. it opened my eyes to alot. i made a comment to someone that has recently left my life. and it popped into my head. " i know the people in my life care about me cause they are still there" at the time i believed it. ive gone back and forth a few times but if they didnt want to be they could just leave and i would never hear from them again. to me my friends are my world my other family i will do whatever it takes to keep that family together. im still working things out and relaxing that knott thatss still in the piot of my stomach. but itll be ok the sky isnt literally falling. i may feel like a horrible person for some of the things ive done lately and i mean they arent that bad but they get to me. but i can only say sorry so many times before itll loose meaning. i am sorry so so sorry and i dont know if people even realize it. they havent asked my side. they havent even glanced.