thank you

k so we had the banquet tonight. it was amazing. i worked pretty close with not only a mentor but youth worker helping her out alot. shes absolutely amazing she as well as the other youth workers have seen me grow a person. and have seen me at my worst with out these people i dont know what i would have become. they truely do help teens. i have seen them around me and my friends. but never like this. we had the same thing last year, but it on more of a social note for me just another thing to do with my friends. but this time was different. i felt part of a family as i watched my best friends step out of their comfort zone and did amazing. and i am so proud of them. i look forward to this event every year just because its so much fun and just so amazing.

ive heard what this organization has done, and ive witnessed it personally and through people time in and time again. but when you put it all in one place one power point one speech it surprises you as to how hard they work. i sat there tonight listening to what they had to say i found myself smiling a genuinely happy smile something i havent felt in a long time. they talked about miracles and god. ive never been entirely sure where i stand with god and they know that. they dont push, theyve asked my opinion and left it at that. im not sure what i believe in exactly but i do know that this hurt and sadness, anger that surrounds me not only personally but the people around me has to end and that it has to get better. i mean how much crap can one person go through and not be happy?

its because of these amazing people that im choosing to do what i want to do. i see what teens go through constantly and yet have no one to talk to. and i want to help its why i still hang around and help out as much as i can cause i know that every bit helps. and these people dont get enugh credit for what they do. they mean alot to me and what they have done for me and my friends is simply just out of heart. i saw my friends get up and surprise me tonight in so many ways. i stopped and thought where would i be without them. i know i would never be a part of soemthing so great. and i hope to work with them for a very long time and continue to grow as not only a person but as friends and a career.

so to you langley youth workers i thank you endlessly for everything you do. cause i dont think you get a thank you as often as you should.

what now?

i dont know what to say anymore really. its kinda hard to even think to be honest with everyone tugging at me in every direction. i love my friends with all my heart and i love to help them as much as i can and im not saying this cause i want them to stop. just to get it off my chest.

how would you feel when three of your best friends get in a do or die fight. that will tear you away from everyone?... what if you still hear about it a year later and how they hate each other when all you want to scream is to stop. when they wont even come to your birthday cuase they cant be in t he same room. that things will never ever be the same that not only you lost one and two best friends but that itll tear you away from so many other people you come close to. when you friends fall apart and you cant pick up the pieces? when someone you started trusting breaks everything you had. just to get with a friend who now breaks into tears everytime they start to remember. and theres nothing you can do. when the two people you have beat you down for almost two years finally leave only to come back trying to steal your friends. what then. the memories. the tears. and sadness come rushing back.

how about when you used to be best friend is going through a divorce and you cant even be a shoulder anymore cause i threw that out the window. or when or other best friend hates her life so much she wants to move and you dont have the time to see her to stop and show you care?

and even better when you have to take a freaking vacation to become closer to you sister agian because you have been so distant. i feel i cant help anybody. i know that i am but some days it just feels like a bottomless hole. you know i worked 14 hours then spent 4 hours on my phone just talking to people about stuff going on. i cant help it ill stay up till one if i have to. just to help. and some people dont understand that.

i dont know what to say and i dont think there is anything anymore. i cant handle anything i choose to bring on or anything anyone throws at me ive already proved that but im not undestructable.

....

i have been told alot and called alot lately. and to be honest im very irritated. whether it be a pet name a joke how be it. it irritates me. i feel i have no control over my life anymore everyone is just telling me who to be what to eat. what to say and what to do. im sick of it and i dont know how to stop it. one person keeps publically saying things about me whether she doesnt know i can see it, thinks im too dumb to register its about me or is attacking me cause she knows i can see it. i dont know but its killing me. im slowly loosing grip here and to be honest im waiting for my heart to snap and just explode on the next joke about how stupid i am.normally im a good sport about the jokes i have moments i get that but if you actually give me a Minuit or two i have my own opinions and thoughts.

i really just dont know what to do everything is falling yet again i cant keep anything together im dead inside to best describe it. i want my friends back i want my heart intact and i want adyson back. im tired of being the blonde bitch walkign around i have the bitch exterior because im am made fun of constantly. literally. im to the point where my phone can just get run over by a semi truck. filled with spiders. and see how many people really need me will find a way to get to me. i have insecurities granted everyone does but when yours are tested every day twenty times a day you get exhausted.

im tired of being me im tired of ruining everything and everyone and im tired of being this pathetic week person. i really need to escape for a few days and get away. i hate being in this position and i wish so badly for it to go away. i really dont want to snap on the people i love but im getting to the end of my rope.

something more

i just dont even know anymore i feel so much is wrong but i dont know what to do with it. i just dont know. im so lost .confused. lonely. and sad and dont know what to do with myself

i realized today that life is alot like a rollercoaster...i effing hate rollercoasters... kind of explains alot and my life right now i  hate it. alot.

but heres a song helping i guess

"Something More"

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine

[Chorus:]
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before I die

[Repeat Chorus]

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I get home 7:30 the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
But I ain't gonna answer that's for sure.
There's gotta be something!

[Repeat Chorus]

what to do.

what happens when you feel all alone.. when the only people who talk to you in two days is to get a ride somewhere.. it hurt honestly that i try to reconnect and we have long conversations about seeing each other more...those conversations never ever leave my head but to others they seem to vanish the instant the conversation is done. im tired of feeling like crap in so many way. im not asking for sympathy or pity but a hug or an i care and want to hear whats going on inside that head and not the surface would really be nice.. im kind of in the stage where people need to reach to me cause im too scared to reach out ive been denied and made fun of too many times. i was working a few weeks ago and i fumbled the drink as i called it grande earl-grey tea latte as i said these words i fumbled and the contents swayed ready to spill all over the counter i stop for a moment waiting to see the disaster ahead. it never spilled a drop. but it remind me a lot of my life that with one tiny blow im might just explode everywhere. i feel lost and a lot of other emotions...happy is not there to be honest maybe on the outside on select days but its almost a cover that if im not quote happy that people will see right through me. im not say they already dont but still. i had a question on a note asking what cant you wait for and i started typing happy but quickly changed it to, to not being in pain anymore i dont know why. i wish i had my friends back not these people who walk in and out of my life telling me lies that they will stay or that i wont run away. i went to the doctor finally about my sickness issues and still have no results i was honestly scared that id have to go by myself...i hate doctors with a passion as everyone else but they make me feel uncomfortable and me uncomfortable is well amusing but scares the living shit out of me i dont do good with being uncomfortable. anyway i found someone to come but i dont think they really cared they were there to help me i felt so distant from this person that used to be my best friend. she still is but its different i dont know whats happened with us but its not the same. what started this whole rant... the feeling of dis pare loneliness the fact that i do everything i can to save friendships and yet they never ever last.i have this youth tonight. i dont want to go cause i know everyone can see it in my eyes and i hate that , that they look at me like they do cause they know im sad no matter the biggest smile. why am i going to see people, maybe itll help although it never does. so people  dont ask questions why im not there. and also this girl i love to bits needs to get out of her house and feel loved too and im her only way out so im doing it for her mostly cause if she didnt want to go id probably stay home... i just feel so sore cause it feels my heart isnt there and my body is sore for the stress. im scared that the tests will come back fine medically theres nothing wrong with me. why. cause then its something else something ive been running from for a year now and im terrified that it is in fact true... theres alot of things running thought my head none of them good so many things i regret and so many things i can see my self regretting but i cant get up the courage to stop it im too comforatable hiding maybe im comfortable being unhappy im not sure but i hope it will end..-

a song  i found today that kind of makes me sad which also  started this rant

Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first,
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long; think that its time to move.
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon.
so let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow.

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know.
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world.
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
Until you hold my hand.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first,
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
Until you hold my hand.

Swing life away,
Swing life away,
Swing life away,
Swing life away.

argle bargle

alot of people probably wonder whats going on with me, and alot of people just dont care. well i dont know ive got so much going on i miss so many people but i work all the time and yet havent saved anything ...crap. there are constant worries about wheither i left my light on or whether that was the time im going to see my best friend..ever. theres so much ive worked towards this year so much ive lost and gained and completely fucked up and everytime i turn around ive down something wrong whether its a joke or not it gets tiering hearing what a fuck up you are it makes me want to give up altogether. i want to scream and shout to make myself heard but i dont think itll help. i constantly loose people or drift away or piss them off or im irritating. i dont know what to do anymore it gets to the point where i dont believe someone when they say i love you or i want you or need you. even my own family. i dont believe cant believe that two people can stay together friends or relationship. its been proven time in and time again and im sick of the heart break. so many people are getting torn apart and theres nothing i can do to save them anymore because im not adyson. im someone else who doesnt give a crap. and it makes me sick. i dont know what pushed me this way but it hurts more than anything that i cant even stick to a goal thats so fucking close to my heart. i have good days and bad i have good moments and bad. its got to the point where if im happy people think im drunk. its sad. ive lost so many people as stated before and i want to get them back and its going to be hard and its going to hurt but ive decided i can be depressed and still be the old me. i will sit here and wait i will not give up. i dont know what changed my view i dont honestly but something did. there some people who feed me little revilationsions and i think theyve fianlly clicked. i guess im tired of being the constant disapointment the sheltered the bitch the loner the distant. i will keep my bounderies but i wont disapear again. and for those of you who dont want me around. stop playing with me just back the fuck off k thanks. im trying and maybe you dont see it but i really am maybe ill always be a bitch to you but you dont me you dont know whats going inside. granted i mess up as i already know this maybe my intentions make no sense but im doing my best im trying to retrain my self tryiing to go back slowly but surely to the person that cared that always there the person who cared because she wanted to not becasue she felt guilty. i dotn know what else to say but that. im at many cross roads and still dont know which one to choose and you see which one i do choose.

if you care i also post here just cause its easy to post through my phone
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=468847786
thanks for reading :)

mixed emotions

i dont know how to feel. i feel happy, happy that ive had the best luck this week ive ever had. i dont know how to take this so im trying the positive. im not tryign to ignor all the pain and hate and sadness withing me and outside me, but i dont know what else to do.

i once had someone tell me i was dumb, dumb for giving up, well you know what, when ipush for something i push them away, when i go with the flow i loose one person i cant stop thinking about one person that i hear their name and i feel like some one just ripped out my heart, and when i give up well im dumb. now maybe they didnt mean it the way it was said but they dont understand how hurt i was i know its stupid and silly but i started to cry i actually had no plan i gave up giving up.

i have alot of friends going throught alot of crap right now some just informing me so i dont worry too too much, others completely pretending its not there anymore. and i completely understand this i have shut people out for many reasons. but it hurts to know they fell they cant talk to me. im not sure id know how to help, considering im not well in the right mind set but i would try. try to save them. cause maybe saving them with save me.

im kind of in th middle of an intersection in life and dont know which way to go. but if i dont hurry up and make a descicion i might just loose everything ive worked for and then theres really no point. i know theres alot of people willing to help me or just to talk but i dont trust anyone, i may not have valid reasons for this but id like to point out that every person who has left said to me " dont worry you can trust me im not going anywhere i promise" and look at that gone friendship/relationship in shambles. i dont know, and this phrase has been a popular one with me lately and id like to change that. id like to be "me" again happy bouncing...now to be "me" it takes lack of sleep working too much coffee and alot of pretending to even touch the surface. and theres something wrong with that.

i have moments where everythings fine then i hear a name and i worry that instinct flares and i get scared that because i didnt push that person to talk to me or give me a hug will walk out too so what do i do... push and take the risk of pushing away, go with it and get stomped on, or just sit here and hope everything works out. i dont know i couldnt tell you.

Stand up for yourself and lose your friendsor keep your friends and lose yourself? i found this in fellow blogger and it brought alot to me im just hope something in that intersection wont hit me before i escape.