what now?

i dont know what to say anymore really. its kinda hard to even think to be honest with everyone tugging at me in every direction. i love my friends with all my heart and i love to help them as much as i can and im not saying this cause i want them to stop. just to get it off my chest.

how would you feel when three of your best friends get in a do or die fight. that will tear you away from everyone?... what if you still hear about it a year later and how they hate each other when all you want to scream is to stop. when they wont even come to your birthday cuase they cant be in t he same room. that things will never ever be the same that not only you lost one and two best friends but that itll tear you away from so many other people you come close to. when you friends fall apart and you cant pick up the pieces? when someone you started trusting breaks everything you had. just to get with a friend who now breaks into tears everytime they start to remember. and theres nothing you can do. when the two people you have beat you down for almost two years finally leave only to come back trying to steal your friends. what then. the memories. the tears. and sadness come rushing back.

how about when you used to be best friend is going through a divorce and you cant even be a shoulder anymore cause i threw that out the window. or when or other best friend hates her life so much she wants to move and you dont have the time to see her to stop and show you care?

and even better when you have to take a freaking vacation to become closer to you sister agian because you have been so distant. i feel i cant help anybody. i know that i am but some days it just feels like a bottomless hole. you know i worked 14 hours then spent 4 hours on my phone just talking to people about stuff going on. i cant help it ill stay up till one if i have to. just to help. and some people dont understand that.

i dont know what to say and i dont think there is anything anymore. i cant handle anything i choose to bring on or anything anyone throws at me ive already proved that but im not undestructable.