what to do.

what happens when you feel all alone.. when the only people who talk to you in two days is to get a ride somewhere.. it hurt honestly that i try to reconnect and we have long conversations about seeing each other more...those conversations never ever leave my head but to others they seem to vanish the instant the conversation is done. im tired of feeling like crap in so many way. im not asking for sympathy or pity but a hug or an i care and want to hear whats going on inside that head and not the surface would really be nice.. im kind of in the stage where people need to reach to me cause im too scared to reach out ive been denied and made fun of too many times. i was working a few weeks ago and i fumbled the drink as i called it grande earl-grey tea latte as i said these words i fumbled and the contents swayed ready to spill all over the counter i stop for a moment waiting to see the disaster ahead. it never spilled a drop. but it remind me a lot of my life that with one tiny blow im might just explode everywhere. i feel lost and a lot of other emotions...happy is not there to be honest maybe on the outside on select days but its almost a cover that if im not quote happy that people will see right through me. im not say they already dont but still. i had a question on a note asking what cant you wait for and i started typing happy but quickly changed it to, to not being in pain anymore i dont know why. i wish i had my friends back not these people who walk in and out of my life telling me lies that they will stay or that i wont run away. i went to the doctor finally about my sickness issues and still have no results i was honestly scared that id have to go by myself...i hate doctors with a passion as everyone else but they make me feel uncomfortable and me uncomfortable is well amusing but scares the living shit out of me i dont do good with being uncomfortable. anyway i found someone to come but i dont think they really cared they were there to help me i felt so distant from this person that used to be my best friend. she still is but its different i dont know whats happened with us but its not the same. what started this whole rant... the feeling of dis pare loneliness the fact that i do everything i can to save friendships and yet they never ever last.i have this youth tonight. i dont want to go cause i know everyone can see it in my eyes and i hate that , that they look at me like they do cause they know im sad no matter the biggest smile. why am i going to see people, maybe itll help although it never does. so people  dont ask questions why im not there. and also this girl i love to bits needs to get out of her house and feel loved too and im her only way out so im doing it for her mostly cause if she didnt want to go id probably stay home... i just feel so sore cause it feels my heart isnt there and my body is sore for the stress. im scared that the tests will come back fine medically theres nothing wrong with me. why. cause then its something else something ive been running from for a year now and im terrified that it is in fact true... theres alot of things running thought my head none of them good so many things i regret and so many things i can see my self regretting but i cant get up the courage to stop it im too comforatable hiding maybe im comfortable being unhappy im not sure but i hope it will end..-

a song  i found today that kind of makes me sad which also  started this rant

Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first,
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long; think that its time to move.
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon.
so let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow.

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know.
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world.
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
Until you hold my hand.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first,
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
Until you hold my hand.

Swing life away,
Swing life away,
Swing life away,
Swing life away.