mixed emotions

i dont know how to feel. i feel happy, happy that ive had the best luck this week ive ever had. i dont know how to take this so im trying the positive. im not tryign to ignor all the pain and hate and sadness withing me and outside me, but i dont know what else to do.

i once had someone tell me i was dumb, dumb for giving up, well you know what, when ipush for something i push them away, when i go with the flow i loose one person i cant stop thinking about one person that i hear their name and i feel like some one just ripped out my heart, and when i give up well im dumb. now maybe they didnt mean it the way it was said but they dont understand how hurt i was i know its stupid and silly but i started to cry i actually had no plan i gave up giving up.

i have alot of friends going throught alot of crap right now some just informing me so i dont worry too too much, others completely pretending its not there anymore. and i completely understand this i have shut people out for many reasons. but it hurts to know they fell they cant talk to me. im not sure id know how to help, considering im not well in the right mind set but i would try. try to save them. cause maybe saving them with save me.

im kind of in th middle of an intersection in life and dont know which way to go. but if i dont hurry up and make a descicion i might just loose everything ive worked for and then theres really no point. i know theres alot of people willing to help me or just to talk but i dont trust anyone, i may not have valid reasons for this but id like to point out that every person who has left said to me " dont worry you can trust me im not going anywhere i promise" and look at that gone friendship/relationship in shambles. i dont know, and this phrase has been a popular one with me lately and id like to change that. id like to be "me" again happy bouncing...now to be "me" it takes lack of sleep working too much coffee and alot of pretending to even touch the surface. and theres something wrong with that.

i have moments where everythings fine then i hear a name and i worry that instinct flares and i get scared that because i didnt push that person to talk to me or give me a hug will walk out too so what do i do... push and take the risk of pushing away, go with it and get stomped on, or just sit here and hope everything works out. i dont know i couldnt tell you.

Stand up for yourself and lose your friendsor keep your friends and lose yourself? i found this in fellow blogger and it brought alot to me im just hope something in that intersection wont hit me before i escape.