argle bargle

alot of people probably wonder whats going on with me, and alot of people just dont care. well i dont know ive got so much going on i miss so many people but i work all the time and yet havent saved anything ...crap. there are constant worries about wheither i left my light on or whether that was the time im going to see my best friend..ever. theres so much ive worked towards this year so much ive lost and gained and completely fucked up and everytime i turn around ive down something wrong whether its a joke or not it gets tiering hearing what a fuck up you are it makes me want to give up altogether. i want to scream and shout to make myself heard but i dont think itll help. i constantly loose people or drift away or piss them off or im irritating. i dont know what to do anymore it gets to the point where i dont believe someone when they say i love you or i want you or need you. even my own family. i dont believe cant believe that two people can stay together friends or relationship. its been proven time in and time again and im sick of the heart break. so many people are getting torn apart and theres nothing i can do to save them anymore because im not adyson. im someone else who doesnt give a crap. and it makes me sick. i dont know what pushed me this way but it hurts more than anything that i cant even stick to a goal thats so fucking close to my heart. i have good days and bad i have good moments and bad. its got to the point where if im happy people think im drunk. its sad. ive lost so many people as stated before and i want to get them back and its going to be hard and its going to hurt but ive decided i can be depressed and still be the old me. i will sit here and wait i will not give up. i dont know what changed my view i dont honestly but something did. there some people who feed me little revilationsions and i think theyve fianlly clicked. i guess im tired of being the constant disapointment the sheltered the bitch the loner the distant. i will keep my bounderies but i wont disapear again. and for those of you who dont want me around. stop playing with me just back the fuck off k thanks. im trying and maybe you dont see it but i really am maybe ill always be a bitch to you but you dont me you dont know whats going inside. granted i mess up as i already know this maybe my intentions make no sense but im doing my best im trying to retrain my self tryiing to go back slowly but surely to the person that cared that always there the person who cared because she wanted to not becasue she felt guilty. i dotn know what else to say but that. im at many cross roads and still dont know which one to choose and you see which one i do choose.

if you care i also post here just cause its easy to post through my phone
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=468847786
thanks for reading :)

mixed emotions

i dont know how to feel. i feel happy, happy that ive had the best luck this week ive ever had. i dont know how to take this so im trying the positive. im not tryign to ignor all the pain and hate and sadness withing me and outside me, but i dont know what else to do.

i once had someone tell me i was dumb, dumb for giving up, well you know what, when ipush for something i push them away, when i go with the flow i loose one person i cant stop thinking about one person that i hear their name and i feel like some one just ripped out my heart, and when i give up well im dumb. now maybe they didnt mean it the way it was said but they dont understand how hurt i was i know its stupid and silly but i started to cry i actually had no plan i gave up giving up.

i have alot of friends going throught alot of crap right now some just informing me so i dont worry too too much, others completely pretending its not there anymore. and i completely understand this i have shut people out for many reasons. but it hurts to know they fell they cant talk to me. im not sure id know how to help, considering im not well in the right mind set but i would try. try to save them. cause maybe saving them with save me.

im kind of in th middle of an intersection in life and dont know which way to go. but if i dont hurry up and make a descicion i might just loose everything ive worked for and then theres really no point. i know theres alot of people willing to help me or just to talk but i dont trust anyone, i may not have valid reasons for this but id like to point out that every person who has left said to me " dont worry you can trust me im not going anywhere i promise" and look at that gone friendship/relationship in shambles. i dont know, and this phrase has been a popular one with me lately and id like to change that. id like to be "me" again happy bouncing...now to be "me" it takes lack of sleep working too much coffee and alot of pretending to even touch the surface. and theres something wrong with that.

i have moments where everythings fine then i hear a name and i worry that instinct flares and i get scared that because i didnt push that person to talk to me or give me a hug will walk out too so what do i do... push and take the risk of pushing away, go with it and get stomped on, or just sit here and hope everything works out. i dont know i couldnt tell you.

Stand up for yourself and lose your friendsor keep your friends and lose yourself? i found this in fellow blogger and it brought alot to me im just hope something in that intersection wont hit me before i escape.

to you: who may have saved me

i dont know how or why it started, i used to listen to music just to end bordom, but as my complusive music listening friend started to shopw me lyrics to songs i didnt know , and some i knew i realized what music really was ...it was a story. I've honestly become obsessed with music, it is now a huge part of my life. I have many friends talented in the music department and i envy them quite alot. Many of my friends think im crazy cause i listen to so much music, but really it hekps me see things for what they are and escape my life for a few moments. on my trip i had many opportunities to plug in my ipod, and alot of memories would come rushing back...some made me laugh others would make me miss home more than anything.

I think i tend to tie music in with things that are happening on in my life ...i havent decided if this is good or bad yet? one of my friends has an inquiery ball and as i read it to my self in the back seat thinking of many things i can across a question "would you rather have your cell phone or music?" I didnt know how to answer this, my phone is my life line to a promise ive made to so many people and myself.. but music is my moment of peace or that chance for another memory. i still dont have an answer and maybe i never will but i know how much they both mean to me.
to be honest music has been one of the reason ive made it through this year.

so to that music obsessed friend of mine i thank you endlessly i dont think you realize how much you have helped me momentdirectly and indirectly...and neither did i till this moment. i love you <3

so im in kelowna this weekend and its very pretty up here, i was sitting in the hammock late last night listening to music and just thinking of my friends when my step mom came out calling me and i though oh man shes gunna make me go to bed. but to my surprise she was telling about this forest fire that is gettin goutta hand and how she wants us to go check it out. i never thought these words would come of her mouth and i was excited but scared at the ssame time.

it wasnt til my uncle told me that it was across the lake, so we were in no harm. so we went on this ad venture my step mom my dad my uncle and i. when we finally reaached the perfect spot i sat in the back of the truck watching this giant fire take over the hill. i couldnt believe that we were sitting here watching this harmfull thing, but at the same time no one was getting hurt and there was nothing they could do to stop the fire at night.

i had never seen anything that huge in my life and it is deffinately something i will remember forever. we didnt get home till like 130 in the morning but it was well worth it. i wish that more people were up late that night so i could explain to them this fire but i had a few of my best friends up and it felt like they were right with me. i miss everyone so much and cant wait to get back. love forever ady :)

this ....is long you dont have to read

When it all started i was not fully prepared for the that was inevitable. i wanted out more than anything in the world. it was clear i was not welcome so why did i stay. This was constantly going through my head. After a long time i gave up, and stopped trying to belong, and i made it through the year and summer with some friends by my side.

The next year rolled around, my final year. i guess i never felt i belonged after i gave up, not until at grad anyway. one of my fellow student who ive become semi close to recently made a speech the words were "whether you’ve been here since the beginning or just transferred you are gradding as a mountain eagle." those words hit me very heard. as i looked around i saw my last two years flash past my eyes, the memories, the friends, and the future ahead of us. it was then i realized that this was possibly going to be the hardest good bye for me. i realized that this was my future that i had to stop worrying about my past, i don’t think i realized anything so hard hitting in my life. the last week of school was really hard and many of my friends don’t understand why it was so hard when i was there for only two years but those two years meant more to me than my previous years anywhere else.

The people that surrounded me in that room saw me grow and helped me discover my real friends and who i really was. i never believed anyone when they said the last year goes by fast until the last month. i really don’t think that it has fully sunk in yet either. there are still many times i feel like i don’t belong, but i listen to that certain song or see all those photos and think how many memories i made in this year alone and how many more i can make in the years to come. and i feel like i was made to be here although the journey hurt i think im home.

i had a friends write something about me saying " you turned my world upside down and showed me things i never thought id see" i could see that i have really influenced this person in more ways than i ever imagined. i try to be the person any one can go to. the person you could trust your life with, maybe even the rock that keeps you grounded. i keep thinking that this is the end but it really really isn’t, its just the next chapter in the book. i may loose people every chapter maybe even page but maybe its not meant to be if they are willing to leave that easily.

i have many decisions to make and roads to take and i am confident that my true friends will be there standing right beside me ready to dive with me, no matter how far away. i love them to death and they have turned into family for me so please i hope they stay... thank you for reading this ridiculously long message ...love forever ady :)