this is for all my girlies, who may not have the confidence to believe they are beautiful, and may not think they are loved. but i think they are all beautiful and i love them with all my heart <3

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

and i cried.

ive been feeling kind of down and out of sorts the past few days. not entirely sure why but my friend tagged me in a picture on facebook that got the wheels turning so in turn i posted this note and tagged a bunch of people that i might no normally tag just to see what would come about. this picture is a memories thing you write youre favorite memory. i was surprised that some people commented and what theyre comments where. i look forward to see them all. but one person wrote on it a friend i thought was gone. she said

"what i remember best is always knowing where u are :D u can be heard from a mile way and ur laugh is unmistakable, it always makes me smile when i hear it. :) "that's my Addy"
i miss this girl alot. and the fact that she said all this made me cry just because i needed to know that not all hope is lost even after 3 years. people keep surprising me and not always in the best ways but then turn into good ways.
im excited to bring back the good times and maybe good things will happen just from a silly facebook picture. wouldnt that be great?

life.

i wish life would be as simple as loosing your toy in the park. but its not and theres alot people go through. it seems all i have are complaints these days and that bothers me because life has the potiential to be amazing but yet its not. life is pretty hectic and im not entirely sure where i stand in this collapsing world. which is all i really have to say these days. is i dont know. i wish i knew all the answers. but i dont not even close.

i want to get close to the people ive lost i believe it is possible to be friends with everybody its never happened to me before but im chasing these people. i am determined to get them back in my life if it means im busier then so be it but right now im not happy. and im not happy cause my mind runs in circles trying to figure everything out. and then i cant think. i just to be happy and i want everyone around me to be happy and im going to do my best to make that happen. cause after all life is what you make it right?

thank you

k so we had the banquet tonight. it was amazing. i worked pretty close with not only a mentor but youth worker helping her out alot. shes absolutely amazing she as well as the other youth workers have seen me grow a person. and have seen me at my worst with out these people i dont know what i would have become. they truely do help teens. i have seen them around me and my friends. but never like this. we had the same thing last year, but it on more of a social note for me just another thing to do with my friends. but this time was different. i felt part of a family as i watched my best friends step out of their comfort zone and did amazing. and i am so proud of them. i look forward to this event every year just because its so much fun and just so amazing.

ive heard what this organization has done, and ive witnessed it personally and through people time in and time again. but when you put it all in one place one power point one speech it surprises you as to how hard they work. i sat there tonight listening to what they had to say i found myself smiling a genuinely happy smile something i havent felt in a long time. they talked about miracles and god. ive never been entirely sure where i stand with god and they know that. they dont push, theyve asked my opinion and left it at that. im not sure what i believe in exactly but i do know that this hurt and sadness, anger that surrounds me not only personally but the people around me has to end and that it has to get better. i mean how much crap can one person go through and not be happy?

its because of these amazing people that im choosing to do what i want to do. i see what teens go through constantly and yet have no one to talk to. and i want to help its why i still hang around and help out as much as i can cause i know that every bit helps. and these people dont get enugh credit for what they do. they mean alot to me and what they have done for me and my friends is simply just out of heart. i saw my friends get up and surprise me tonight in so many ways. i stopped and thought where would i be without them. i know i would never be a part of soemthing so great. and i hope to work with them for a very long time and continue to grow as not only a person but as friends and a career.

so to you langley youth workers i thank you endlessly for everything you do. cause i dont think you get a thank you as often as you should.

what now?

i dont know what to say anymore really. its kinda hard to even think to be honest with everyone tugging at me in every direction. i love my friends with all my heart and i love to help them as much as i can and im not saying this cause i want them to stop. just to get it off my chest.

how would you feel when three of your best friends get in a do or die fight. that will tear you away from everyone?... what if you still hear about it a year later and how they hate each other when all you want to scream is to stop. when they wont even come to your birthday cuase they cant be in t he same room. that things will never ever be the same that not only you lost one and two best friends but that itll tear you away from so many other people you come close to. when you friends fall apart and you cant pick up the pieces? when someone you started trusting breaks everything you had. just to get with a friend who now breaks into tears everytime they start to remember. and theres nothing you can do. when the two people you have beat you down for almost two years finally leave only to come back trying to steal your friends. what then. the memories. the tears. and sadness come rushing back.

how about when you used to be best friend is going through a divorce and you cant even be a shoulder anymore cause i threw that out the window. or when or other best friend hates her life so much she wants to move and you dont have the time to see her to stop and show you care?

and even better when you have to take a freaking vacation to become closer to you sister agian because you have been so distant. i feel i cant help anybody. i know that i am but some days it just feels like a bottomless hole. you know i worked 14 hours then spent 4 hours on my phone just talking to people about stuff going on. i cant help it ill stay up till one if i have to. just to help. and some people dont understand that.

i dont know what to say and i dont think there is anything anymore. i cant handle anything i choose to bring on or anything anyone throws at me ive already proved that but im not undestructable.