to me youre perfect, and i theres nothing i can do to think otherwise, but to you im just another person. and i dont how to change that.

life and lemons

i dont get it, i try so hard to be nice and caring yet i get stomped on, so i try have a backbone and im a horrible person. yet the people that have screwed me over time in and time again are super happy. why can i? why cant things just work for once? i know people say in time but im tired of waiting im tired on not knowing if the person is going to walk away like everyone else, im tired or never trusting yet when i do always getting let down. i just cant seem to find a common ground. for once i actually decided to not run away and believe me it took everything i had to not, i waited patiently even though it was killing me inside i thought i just need to give it a chance. and i got my heart broken again, and now for whatever reason its ruined every reason i was happy, i finally had a group where everyone got along. where i never had to worry about walking on egg shells. they were so fun and some of my friends got along with them too. them he broke it all, and me , and i dont even get to know why. i got treated like complete crap for something i dont even know what i did, maybe it wasnt me at all but who am i to know.

i thought for once things were looking up, but yet im still sitting here wondering what went wrong, the worst part is im slowly realizing im never going to find that one person that will always put me first friend wise, i thought i had but i was so wrong. i realize people are busy i get it but there is always, always has been and seemingly always will be before me no matter how hard i try. i used to be the nicest person you could ever meet, and yeah no im a little meaner than i would like and im trying so hard to not be but its hard when thats turned into your defence mechanism. i know im still going to try and trust people and its always going to be hard, but i promised my self i wouldnt be hurt over this and im trying so hard and i think ive done a pretty darn good job and im starting to realize that i only have myself to run to these days. and i wish so bad that it wasnt that way. youll never learn if dont make mistakes i get it but im tired of constantly feeling like this is seems itll never go away. maybe in time it will but gah i just want to happy and know exactly what i need and i just cant seem to find it.

la di da

have you ever seen that moment when you are the happiest you think youll ever be? and its amazing like everything is finally falling into place maybe not completely perfect or the way you imagined but yet you're still happy. then theres the moment where you dont know where it all went wrong all of a sudden it does seem so great, that there's this black cloud following you and you dont know how to fix it or why its even there. its the feeling in the pit of your stomach that everything is about to go horribly wrong and there's nothing you can do to stop it, but yet you dont even know where its going to come from. its a horribe feeling. it makes you feel hopeless and helpless. and sad. but then there's that moment when you were completely wrong and you feel like an idoit for ever thinking it was about to be horrible. well i sure hope its the last one cause ive had the first feeling and i would give anything to get it back.

not fair

you cant treat me like and expect to be nice, but i tried to be nice to protect you even thought you destroyed me and yet you get mad at you for pushing all a side to make sure youre okay? somehow that doesnt seems fair.

confusions

i got asked a question today that got me thinking. it was"who's your best friend?" and normally i would freak out and get upset and make myself believe that i have one and honestly couldn't answer. i am so tired of holding on to things that don't last. i have close friends, and friends that know me well, or used to be best friends. the term is so over used and its left with no meaning. in the past month every person that i would ever consider being a best friend has always one upped me with someone else, they've known them longer, or know them better, brothers are friends, lives some where else. moving here is my life and it sucked, Ive had good times and always wondered if it would be different, but honestly it would be the same crap just a different pile. it will never change, and i refuse to keep holding onto it when i know I'm more invested than the other person. i always end up hurt or confused and left not knowing how to answer that question.

the quote don't make some one a priority if you re their option, has been the story of my life. and Ive accepted it, Ive always allow myself to be an option and i still do.

Ive changed a lot in the past six months in some ways and some ways i haven't, i don't know if its good or not. but i can stand on my own two feet and be okay. i may get sad at times and miss things but i don't get like i did. and I'm proud of myself, some people say I'm cold hearted and insensitive but they haven't tried to understand why i do it. and that's what gets me. you cant sit there and judge me on what I'm doing when you have no idea why or can even care to ask. I'm not proud of a lot of things Ive screwed up. and I'm still there for people when they need it. but I'm not going to out of my way to push them to tell me cause of a facebook status, if you need me I'm there Ive always said it and it will always be true.

it finally clicked that when i had some major realizations, i had literally no one to tell. i kept it in for weeks before i mentioned it.and many people still don't know and maybe never will. and in a way it makes me laugh cause there are two of the biggest things that could happen in my life, besides having children or getting married etc. not only would no one understand, they wouldn't care. and it doesn't matter, it stung having to keep it in and knowing i had no one to tell but realistically they know its true. and I'm tired of being told how to think and act and that my hair to is curly or I'm weird for wearing heels I'm so sick of people controlling me and manipulating me that if i have to step back and be distant for a while to get them to realize that then i will. cause unlike the way Ive been treated for years i am an individual and i have my own decisions to make.

im tired of being treated the same way over and over, its not that i want to start over but i want to feel like there's more respect than there is. i want to have fun and meet new people without being accused of running away. i don't want it to all go away, but i do want a change of pace. im almost 20 for goodness sake and i want to make new friends and go out and have fun, am i not allowed to make friends that people don't know? i just don't want to feel this way anymore i don't want to miserable anymore, i want to be happy. and be truly happy.

please explain it to me

you mean the absolute world to me and no one left in my life understands that, i cant even express how torn i am. i just want a hug a real one and no one can hug me the way you used to, hugs used to happen an excessive amount with friends, and now it never does. i love you and i want to see you everyday but i cant i physically and emotionally cant, there feels like somethings missing in my life and usually you fix that but you cant and now the hole is growing and im begining to grow more numb, ive been very good lately at not freaking out and handling things calmly but i dont know if i can anymore, i cant talk to you and it be a distraction it makes me worried, i cry on the phone but i hide it cause you dont know. i just run around a work hoping itll distract me but when i sit for more than a second it hits me like a million semi trucks and it hurts so much, too much. i just want you to make it better but you cant, so what now?

life

why do i need to sit here and defend myself? its a two way street and we are all wrong. so dont come up to me telling what i am or am not doing. or what i should and should not be doing. as far as im concerned im living. im working my ass off to pay for school. and to be promoted which well half of you probably dont even know. its a big deal for me ive had to work for almost two years to get even considered and its gunna take till the end of the summer for it too be in place. and nobody seems to care. i can sit here and cry whoa is me for hours, but im done. i here the crap you guys say about me behind my back yet no one tries to fix it. they expect me to. and im waiting to hear from you. its not the same anymore and you cant sit there and try and tell me it is. we are a family anymore, its broken nobody really cares. and i cant be the only one seeing that. ive tried for years to keep this family together and its been broken and re shaped, which is fine, but i cant take the pressure of always being the one expected to do everything. granted maybe i should have spoke up more but im not the one putting up fights. you cant just come up to me and point blank be a jerk it doesnt work that way sorry. i have more of a backbone and its from everyone constantly down my throat about everything, im sick of. i went away trying to search for myself and i found it. and when i came back no one seemed to care, so why should i. im not trying to be a bitch but at some point you have to realize that its all falling apart and i actually cant think of how to fix it this time. im not mad, im hurt and im sad its falling apart but its reality. im not ready to let go not even close. but i cant keep sitting everyday wondering if im still welcome in your life it hurts too much and nobody seems to see that.