a new year

well this new year isnt off to a good start. literally. it times like these that most people find who there real friends are, all i find is empty promises and false hope. every time. i spent most of my new years with my house full of people i didnt know upstairs alone. i had no interest in socializing with people who couldnt give to craps about me. so why did i plan the party? well it distracted me from the thought that my friends really couldnt care less. these past few months have forced me to fall down and stand up on my own over and over and over again. i havent got everything sorted out...not even close. i keep thinking that this time it will be different but it never is. i lost a bond with someone that will never and should never go back to what it was and because of loosing that i seem to find my self holding back from opening up again. at least ive stopped running away.

i sat here the other day after realizing ive lost someone that once used to be so close over something so stupid, i actually did nothing and they think i did but never confronted me just refused to speak to me. 4 years of friendship out the window for something that never happened. and what i realized is how far apart everyone has gotten, we all went our separate ways. people i though i could never live without, i never speak to. i miss them but dont like where we stand.everything is so different and so strange i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i cant say that i want things to be the way they were, because that would be dumb i was miserable, and i still am but its different. its hard letting go and its hard moving on to the point where im almost happy to just leave it. i dont know where i stand or where to go anymore.

people get wrapped up in their lives, yes. but that doesnt mean you can sit there and tell me you miss me without any effort to make plans. or to tell me to throw a party and never show up, say you will and then just bail. there are certain people i miss and im comparing everything to them as i shouldnt but it makes me sad. that three people showed up, and the rest...well they couldnt even text me happy new years. am i mad no, will i hold a grudge no, am i hurt and confused, constantly wondering why. yess. will i ever forget how alone i felt that night, probably not. i can safely say that was one of the worst nights of my life. and the great part is, no one even knows what happened, no one knows why i was upstairs alone. i dont ask for much, i do ask that you at least try because this is the point where i have nothing left to give, i have no desire to continue putting my heart into something that left me down that decided to leave me to dry. you cant just show up to work once every 3 months expecting me to be free that day. i make plans i do homework and errands and cleaning. i try to keep my self busy.

ive been trying so hard to find things that make me happy and all i keep finding is things that make me more sad, i just want to find the light at the end of this lonely ass tunnel.
that doesnt mean im going to stop trying or stop caring or even stop picking myself up, im in it for the long haul.

my heart has been heavy lately. not only with the stress of school but the usual life demands. in the past six months life has drastically changed for me and i try to be the person i wish to be everyday. but its hard. its hard to love unconditionally when people constantly prove to me i shouldn't. its hard to always be considerate when people slam the door on your face. literally. alot. ive been hiding from myself and actually running from myself for a very long time and thinks it's because i dotn know who i am and that im scared when i figure it out ill hate myself. i used to be known as the bubbly happy person everyone could count on. and god to i miss that. but the downside was everyone thought i was dumb and no one was there for me. no i dont know who i am but then again who really does? i know i want to be bilingual. i know i want to travel and i know i want to love. life is no longer about dreaming its about living. and i want to live. for once i want someone to ask me whats wrong and care to hear the story. for once i want someone to chase me. for once i dont want to question if ill ever loose them. i saw a quote today "be the person you want to meet" then i realized that as much as it sucks to get that door slammed on your face there could be someone that could use the door being held open for them.

ive had a difficult week and ive been running from alot, death seems to do that to me. i find myself sad at all the things i wish i could have changed in my life and how i would do things differently and i cant, i cant make people better i cant make them not get sick and i surely cant make them love me.

im different than i was, but it seems i still want to change the same things, it seems the scenery may be different but the content will always feel the same. all i know is that i want change im just not sure how to acquire it, but ill never stop looking im never going to give up. cause thats what life is all about.

to me youre perfect, and i theres nothing i can do to think otherwise, but to you im just another person. and i dont how to change that.

life and lemons

i dont get it, i try so hard to be nice and caring yet i get stomped on, so i try have a backbone and im a horrible person. yet the people that have screwed me over time in and time again are super happy. why can i? why cant things just work for once? i know people say in time but im tired of waiting im tired on not knowing if the person is going to walk away like everyone else, im tired or never trusting yet when i do always getting let down. i just cant seem to find a common ground. for once i actually decided to not run away and believe me it took everything i had to not, i waited patiently even though it was killing me inside i thought i just need to give it a chance. and i got my heart broken again, and now for whatever reason its ruined every reason i was happy, i finally had a group where everyone got along. where i never had to worry about walking on egg shells. they were so fun and some of my friends got along with them too. them he broke it all, and me , and i dont even get to know why. i got treated like complete crap for something i dont even know what i did, maybe it wasnt me at all but who am i to know.

i thought for once things were looking up, but yet im still sitting here wondering what went wrong, the worst part is im slowly realizing im never going to find that one person that will always put me first friend wise, i thought i had but i was so wrong. i realize people are busy i get it but there is always, always has been and seemingly always will be before me no matter how hard i try. i used to be the nicest person you could ever meet, and yeah no im a little meaner than i would like and im trying so hard to not be but its hard when thats turned into your defence mechanism. i know im still going to try and trust people and its always going to be hard, but i promised my self i wouldnt be hurt over this and im trying so hard and i think ive done a pretty darn good job and im starting to realize that i only have myself to run to these days. and i wish so bad that it wasnt that way. youll never learn if dont make mistakes i get it but im tired of constantly feeling like this is seems itll never go away. maybe in time it will but gah i just want to happy and know exactly what i need and i just cant seem to find it.

la di da

have you ever seen that moment when you are the happiest you think youll ever be? and its amazing like everything is finally falling into place maybe not completely perfect or the way you imagined but yet you're still happy. then theres the moment where you dont know where it all went wrong all of a sudden it does seem so great, that there's this black cloud following you and you dont know how to fix it or why its even there. its the feeling in the pit of your stomach that everything is about to go horribly wrong and there's nothing you can do to stop it, but yet you dont even know where its going to come from. its a horribe feeling. it makes you feel hopeless and helpless. and sad. but then there's that moment when you were completely wrong and you feel like an idoit for ever thinking it was about to be horrible. well i sure hope its the last one cause ive had the first feeling and i would give anything to get it back.

not fair

you cant treat me like and expect to be nice, but i tried to be nice to protect you even thought you destroyed me and yet you get mad at you for pushing all a side to make sure youre okay? somehow that doesnt seems fair.

confusions

i got asked a question today that got me thinking. it was"who's your best friend?" and normally i would freak out and get upset and make myself believe that i have one and honestly couldn't answer. i am so tired of holding on to things that don't last. i have close friends, and friends that know me well, or used to be best friends. the term is so over used and its left with no meaning. in the past month every person that i would ever consider being a best friend has always one upped me with someone else, they've known them longer, or know them better, brothers are friends, lives some where else. moving here is my life and it sucked, Ive had good times and always wondered if it would be different, but honestly it would be the same crap just a different pile. it will never change, and i refuse to keep holding onto it when i know I'm more invested than the other person. i always end up hurt or confused and left not knowing how to answer that question.

the quote don't make some one a priority if you re their option, has been the story of my life. and Ive accepted it, Ive always allow myself to be an option and i still do.

Ive changed a lot in the past six months in some ways and some ways i haven't, i don't know if its good or not. but i can stand on my own two feet and be okay. i may get sad at times and miss things but i don't get like i did. and I'm proud of myself, some people say I'm cold hearted and insensitive but they haven't tried to understand why i do it. and that's what gets me. you cant sit there and judge me on what I'm doing when you have no idea why or can even care to ask. I'm not proud of a lot of things Ive screwed up. and I'm still there for people when they need it. but I'm not going to out of my way to push them to tell me cause of a facebook status, if you need me I'm there Ive always said it and it will always be true.

it finally clicked that when i had some major realizations, i had literally no one to tell. i kept it in for weeks before i mentioned it.and many people still don't know and maybe never will. and in a way it makes me laugh cause there are two of the biggest things that could happen in my life, besides having children or getting married etc. not only would no one understand, they wouldn't care. and it doesn't matter, it stung having to keep it in and knowing i had no one to tell but realistically they know its true. and I'm tired of being told how to think and act and that my hair to is curly or I'm weird for wearing heels I'm so sick of people controlling me and manipulating me that if i have to step back and be distant for a while to get them to realize that then i will. cause unlike the way Ive been treated for years i am an individual and i have my own decisions to make.

im tired of being treated the same way over and over, its not that i want to start over but i want to feel like there's more respect than there is. i want to have fun and meet new people without being accused of running away. i don't want it to all go away, but i do want a change of pace. im almost 20 for goodness sake and i want to make new friends and go out and have fun, am i not allowed to make friends that people don't know? i just don't want to feel this way anymore i don't want to miserable anymore, i want to be happy. and be truly happy.