well this new year isnt off to a good start. literally. it times like these that most people find who there real friends are, all i find is empty promises and false hope. every time. i spent most of my new years with my house full of people i didnt know upstairs alone. i had no interest in socializing with people who couldnt give to craps about me. so why did i plan the party? well it distracted me from the thought that my friends really couldnt care less. these past few months have forced me to fall down and stand up on my own over and over and over again. i havent got everything sorted out...not even close. i keep thinking that this time it will be different but it never is. i lost a bond with someone that will never and should never go back to what it was and because of loosing that i seem to find my self holding back from opening up again. at least ive stopped running away.
i sat here the other day after realizing ive lost someone that once used to be so close over something so stupid, i actually did nothing and they think i did but never confronted me just refused to speak to me. 4 years of friendship out the window for something that never happened. and what i realized is how far apart everyone has gotten, we all went our separate ways. people i though i could never live without, i never speak to. i miss them but dont like where we stand.everything is so different and so strange i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i cant say that i want things to be the way they were, because that would be dumb i was miserable, and i still am but its different. its hard letting go and its hard moving on to the point where im almost happy to just leave it. i dont know where i stand or where to go anymore.
people get wrapped up in their lives, yes. but that doesnt mean you can sit there and tell me you miss me without any effort to make plans. or to tell me to throw a party and never show up, say you will and then just bail. there are certain people i miss and im comparing everything to them as i shouldnt but it makes me sad. that three people showed up, and the rest...well they couldnt even text me happy new years. am i mad no, will i hold a grudge no, am i hurt and confused, constantly wondering why. yess. will i ever forget how alone i felt that night, probably not. i can safely say that was one of the worst nights of my life. and the great part is, no one even knows what happened, no one knows why i was upstairs alone. i dont ask for much, i do ask that you at least try because this is the point where i have nothing left to give, i have no desire to continue putting my heart into something that left me down that decided to leave me to dry. you cant just show up to work once every 3 months expecting me to be free that day. i make plans i do homework and errands and cleaning. i try to keep my self busy.
ive been trying so hard to find things that make me happy and all i keep finding is things that make me more sad, i just want to find the light at the end of this lonely ass tunnel.
that doesnt mean im going to stop trying or stop caring or even stop picking myself up, im in it for the long haul.
