my heart has been heavy lately. not only with the stress of school but the usual life demands. in the past six months life has drastically changed for me and i try to be the person i wish to be everyday. but its hard. its hard to love unconditionally when people constantly prove to me i shouldn't. its hard to always be considerate when people slam the door on your face. literally. alot. ive been hiding from myself and actually running from myself for a very long time and thinks it's because i dotn know who i am and that im scared when i figure it out ill hate myself. i used to be known as the bubbly happy person everyone could count on. and god to i miss that. but the downside was everyone thought i was dumb and no one was there for me. no i dont know who i am but then again who really does? i know i want to be bilingual. i know i want to travel and i know i want to love. life is no longer about dreaming its about living. and i want to live. for once i want someone to ask me whats wrong and care to hear the story. for once i want someone to chase me. for once i dont want to question if ill ever loose them. i saw a quote today "be the person you want to meet" then i realized that as much as it sucks to get that door slammed on your face there could be someone that could use the door being held open for them.

ive had a difficult week and ive been running from alot, death seems to do that to me. i find myself sad at all the things i wish i could have changed in my life and how i would do things differently and i cant, i cant make people better i cant make them not get sick and i surely cant make them love me.

im different than i was, but it seems i still want to change the same things, it seems the scenery may be different but the content will always feel the same. all i know is that i want change im just not sure how to acquire it, but ill never stop looking im never going to give up. cause thats what life is all about.