i got asked a question today that got me thinking. it was"who's your best friend?" and normally i would freak out and get upset and make myself believe that i have one and honestly couldn't answer. i am so tired of holding on to things that don't last. i have close friends, and friends that know me well, or used to be best friends. the term is so over used and its left with no meaning. in the past month every person that i would ever consider being a best friend has always one upped me with someone else, they've known them longer, or know them better, brothers are friends, lives some where else. moving here is my life and it sucked, Ive had good times and always wondered if it would be different, but honestly it would be the same crap just a different pile. it will never change, and i refuse to keep holding onto it when i know I'm more invested than the other person. i always end up hurt or confused and left not knowing how to answer that question.
the quote don't make some one a priority if you re their option, has been the story of my life. and Ive accepted it, Ive always allow myself to be an option and i still do.
Ive changed a lot in the past six months in some ways and some ways i haven't, i don't know if its good or not. but i can stand on my own two feet and be okay. i may get sad at times and miss things but i don't get like i did. and I'm proud of myself, some people say I'm cold hearted and insensitive but they haven't tried to understand why i do it. and that's what gets me. you cant sit there and judge me on what I'm doing when you have no idea why or can even care to ask. I'm not proud of a lot of things Ive screwed up. and I'm still there for people when they need it. but I'm not going to out of my way to push them to tell me cause of a facebook status, if you need me I'm there Ive always said it and it will always be true.
it finally clicked that when i had some major realizations, i had literally no one to tell. i kept it in for weeks before i mentioned it.and many people still don't know and maybe never will. and in a way it makes me laugh cause there are two of the biggest things that could happen in my life, besides having children or getting married etc. not only would no one understand, they wouldn't care. and it doesn't matter, it stung having to keep it in and knowing i had no one to tell but realistically they know its true. and I'm tired of being told how to think and act and that my hair to is curly or I'm weird for wearing heels I'm so sick of people controlling me and manipulating me that if i have to step back and be distant for a while to get them to realize that then i will. cause unlike the way Ive been treated for years i am an individual and i have my own decisions to make.
im tired of being treated the same way over and over, its not that i want to start over but i want to feel like there's more respect than there is. i want to have fun and meet new people without being accused of running away. i don't want it to all go away, but i do want a change of pace. im almost 20 for goodness sake and i want to make new friends and go out and have fun, am i not allowed to make friends that people don't know? i just don't want to feel this way anymore i don't want to miserable anymore, i want to be happy. and be truly happy.
