please explain it to me

you mean the absolute world to me and no one left in my life understands that, i cant even express how torn i am. i just want a hug a real one and no one can hug me the way you used to, hugs used to happen an excessive amount with friends, and now it never does. i love you and i want to see you everyday but i cant i physically and emotionally cant, there feels like somethings missing in my life and usually you fix that but you cant and now the hole is growing and im begining to grow more numb, ive been very good lately at not freaking out and handling things calmly but i dont know if i can anymore, i cant talk to you and it be a distraction it makes me worried, i cry on the phone but i hide it cause you dont know. i just run around a work hoping itll distract me but when i sit for more than a second it hits me like a million semi trucks and it hurts so much, too much. i just want you to make it better but you cant, so what now?