alot of people probably wonder whats going on with me, and alot of people just dont care. well i dont know ive got so much going on i miss so many people but i work all the time and yet havent saved anything ...crap. there are constant worries about wheither i left my light on or whether that was the time im going to see my best friend..ever. theres so much ive worked towards this year so much ive lost and gained and completely fucked up and everytime i turn around ive down something wrong whether its a joke or not it gets tiering hearing what a fuck up you are it makes me want to give up altogether. i want to scream and shout to make myself heard but i dont think itll help. i constantly loose people or drift away or piss them off or im irritating. i dont know what to do anymore it gets to the point where i dont believe someone when they say i love you or i want you or need you. even my own family. i dont believe cant believe that two people can stay together friends or relationship. its been proven time in and time again and im sick of the heart break. so many people are getting torn apart and theres nothing i can do to save them anymore because im not adyson. im someone else who doesnt give a crap. and it makes me sick. i dont know what pushed me this way but it hurts more than anything that i cant even stick to a goal thats so fucking close to my heart. i have good days and bad i have good moments and bad. its got to the point where if im happy people think im drunk. its sad. ive lost so many people as stated before and i want to get them back and its going to be hard and its going to hurt but ive decided i can be depressed and still be the old me. i will sit here and wait i will not give up. i dont know what changed my view i dont honestly but something did. there some people who feed me little revilationsions and i think theyve fianlly clicked. i guess im tired of being the constant disapointment the sheltered the bitch the loner the distant. i will keep my bounderies but i wont disapear again. and for those of you who dont want me around. stop playing with me just back the fuck off k thanks. im trying and maybe you dont see it but i really am maybe ill always be a bitch to you but you dont me you dont know whats going inside. granted i mess up as i already know this maybe my intentions make no sense but im doing my best im trying to retrain my self tryiing to go back slowly but surely to the person that cared that always there the person who cared because she wanted to not becasue she felt guilty. i dotn know what else to say but that. im at many cross roads and still dont know which one to choose and you see which one i do choose.
if you care i also post here just cause its easy to post through my phone
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=468847786
thanks for reading :)
