i dont get it, i try so hard to be nice and caring yet i get stomped on, so i try have a backbone and im a horrible person. yet the people that have screwed me over time in and time again are super happy. why can i? why cant things just work for once? i know people say in time but im tired of waiting im tired on not knowing if the person is going to walk away like everyone else, im tired or never trusting yet when i do always getting let down. i just cant seem to find a common ground. for once i actually decided to not run away and believe me it took everything i had to not, i waited patiently even though it was killing me inside i thought i just need to give it a chance. and i got my heart broken again, and now for whatever reason its ruined every reason i was happy, i finally had a group where everyone got along. where i never had to worry about walking on egg shells. they were so fun and some of my friends got along with them too. them he broke it all, and me , and i dont even get to know why. i got treated like complete crap for something i dont even know what i did, maybe it wasnt me at all but who am i to know.
i thought for once things were looking up, but yet im still sitting here wondering what went wrong, the worst part is im slowly realizing im never going to find that one person that will always put me first friend wise, i thought i had but i was so wrong. i realize people are busy i get it but there is always, always has been and seemingly always will be before me no matter how hard i try. i used to be the nicest person you could ever meet, and yeah no im a little meaner than i would like and im trying so hard to not be but its hard when thats turned into your defence mechanism. i know im still going to try and trust people and its always going to be hard, but i promised my self i wouldnt be hurt over this and im trying so hard and i think ive done a pretty darn good job and im starting to realize that i only have myself to run to these days. and i wish so bad that it wasnt that way. youll never learn if dont make mistakes i get it but im tired of constantly feeling like this is seems itll never go away. maybe in time it will but gah i just want to happy and know exactly what i need and i just cant seem to find it.
