christmas?

christmas has never been one of those days you look forward to for me. as i got older it was more a chore than anything. bouncing between houses acting all excited when your step family gets you a really crappy gifts you know they didnt want to buy in the first place and make sure you catch that the drift.

chrsitmas was supposed to be the one day you came closer to your family right? not in my house someone is arguing at some point. the one sanity i had was my grandma and i always saw her that was the best part for me was seeing her happy. but this one year was bad she got really sick so my step dad and uncle made dinner (after much bitching and arguing with everyone) but it got worse to the point my grandma started crying ill never forget that day.

anyway where am i going with all this is to show you its never been a completely pleasent experience for me. so this year when i found out i wa not just leaving for christmas and not seeing my grandma my parents are getting a divorce and i cant be there when it all starts to get to me or even be around my friends i almost crashed.

everyone has been fighting everywhere i turn around and its starting to really piss me off to the point im not sure how to handle it. im not saying im innocent in this cause ive probably started stuff too and as much as i wanted a break from it all. when i was gone it all started to hit me i really missed all my friends as much as we drive each other crazy.

i mean in one way im glad i got to skip it all....the whole shebang. but on the other hand im not. ive only been back for a while so i guess we'll see how it goes.

life

birthdays are so important to me. i dont care who it is your birthday should be special. last year wa the worst one if had, for numerous reasons. and this year i give up. ive tried to make it good but it doesnt matter what i say or do it just tends to suck. everyone is fighting or cant be in the same room two of my best friends still hate each other and it sucks, cause my birthday is coming and i dont know what to do. youd think they would suck it up and get along for one evening for who i thought was a best friend, but no. they cant they have to make my life hell. so i have sat and thought for many many hours on what to do, and last year keeps coming back to mind. so i still dont know. and its come down to it wher because of my friends i can not have a party. because people wont come or a fight will start something i shouldnt have to deal with at my birthday, and that really gets to me. i would sit in a room with the two people i hate for a friends birthday, i would throw a fail surprise party where everything goes wrong for a friend, i would almost do anything tomake them happy. all year round i try to make them happy, and even at my party i still try to make them happy and yet they cant do the same for me on one day out of three hundred and sixty five? i just dont know what to do anymore.

this is for all my girlies, who may not have the confidence to believe they are beautiful, and may not think they are loved. but i think they are all beautiful and i love them with all my heart <3

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
(no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay


And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

and i cried.

ive been feeling kind of down and out of sorts the past few days. not entirely sure why but my friend tagged me in a picture on facebook that got the wheels turning so in turn i posted this note and tagged a bunch of people that i might no normally tag just to see what would come about. this picture is a memories thing you write youre favorite memory. i was surprised that some people commented and what theyre comments where. i look forward to see them all. but one person wrote on it a friend i thought was gone. she said

"what i remember best is always knowing where u are :D u can be heard from a mile way and ur laugh is unmistakable, it always makes me smile when i hear it. :) "that's my Addy"
i miss this girl alot. and the fact that she said all this made me cry just because i needed to know that not all hope is lost even after 3 years. people keep surprising me and not always in the best ways but then turn into good ways.
im excited to bring back the good times and maybe good things will happen just from a silly facebook picture. wouldnt that be great?

life.

i wish life would be as simple as loosing your toy in the park. but its not and theres alot people go through. it seems all i have are complaints these days and that bothers me because life has the potiential to be amazing but yet its not. life is pretty hectic and im not entirely sure where i stand in this collapsing world. which is all i really have to say these days. is i dont know. i wish i knew all the answers. but i dont not even close.

i want to get close to the people ive lost i believe it is possible to be friends with everybody its never happened to me before but im chasing these people. i am determined to get them back in my life if it means im busier then so be it but right now im not happy. and im not happy cause my mind runs in circles trying to figure everything out. and then i cant think. i just to be happy and i want everyone around me to be happy and im going to do my best to make that happen. cause after all life is what you make it right?

thank you

k so we had the banquet tonight. it was amazing. i worked pretty close with not only a mentor but youth worker helping her out alot. shes absolutely amazing she as well as the other youth workers have seen me grow a person. and have seen me at my worst with out these people i dont know what i would have become. they truely do help teens. i have seen them around me and my friends. but never like this. we had the same thing last year, but it on more of a social note for me just another thing to do with my friends. but this time was different. i felt part of a family as i watched my best friends step out of their comfort zone and did amazing. and i am so proud of them. i look forward to this event every year just because its so much fun and just so amazing.

ive heard what this organization has done, and ive witnessed it personally and through people time in and time again. but when you put it all in one place one power point one speech it surprises you as to how hard they work. i sat there tonight listening to what they had to say i found myself smiling a genuinely happy smile something i havent felt in a long time. they talked about miracles and god. ive never been entirely sure where i stand with god and they know that. they dont push, theyve asked my opinion and left it at that. im not sure what i believe in exactly but i do know that this hurt and sadness, anger that surrounds me not only personally but the people around me has to end and that it has to get better. i mean how much crap can one person go through and not be happy?

its because of these amazing people that im choosing to do what i want to do. i see what teens go through constantly and yet have no one to talk to. and i want to help its why i still hang around and help out as much as i can cause i know that every bit helps. and these people dont get enugh credit for what they do. they mean alot to me and what they have done for me and my friends is simply just out of heart. i saw my friends get up and surprise me tonight in so many ways. i stopped and thought where would i be without them. i know i would never be a part of soemthing so great. and i hope to work with them for a very long time and continue to grow as not only a person but as friends and a career.

so to you langley youth workers i thank you endlessly for everything you do. cause i dont think you get a thank you as often as you should.

what now?

i dont know what to say anymore really. its kinda hard to even think to be honest with everyone tugging at me in every direction. i love my friends with all my heart and i love to help them as much as i can and im not saying this cause i want them to stop. just to get it off my chest.

how would you feel when three of your best friends get in a do or die fight. that will tear you away from everyone?... what if you still hear about it a year later and how they hate each other when all you want to scream is to stop. when they wont even come to your birthday cuase they cant be in t he same room. that things will never ever be the same that not only you lost one and two best friends but that itll tear you away from so many other people you come close to. when you friends fall apart and you cant pick up the pieces? when someone you started trusting breaks everything you had. just to get with a friend who now breaks into tears everytime they start to remember. and theres nothing you can do. when the two people you have beat you down for almost two years finally leave only to come back trying to steal your friends. what then. the memories. the tears. and sadness come rushing back.

how about when you used to be best friend is going through a divorce and you cant even be a shoulder anymore cause i threw that out the window. or when or other best friend hates her life so much she wants to move and you dont have the time to see her to stop and show you care?

and even better when you have to take a freaking vacation to become closer to you sister agian because you have been so distant. i feel i cant help anybody. i know that i am but some days it just feels like a bottomless hole. you know i worked 14 hours then spent 4 hours on my phone just talking to people about stuff going on. i cant help it ill stay up till one if i have to. just to help. and some people dont understand that.

i dont know what to say and i dont think there is anything anymore. i cant handle anything i choose to bring on or anything anyone throws at me ive already proved that but im not undestructable.

....

i have been told alot and called alot lately. and to be honest im very irritated. whether it be a pet name a joke how be it. it irritates me. i feel i have no control over my life anymore everyone is just telling me who to be what to eat. what to say and what to do. im sick of it and i dont know how to stop it. one person keeps publically saying things about me whether she doesnt know i can see it, thinks im too dumb to register its about me or is attacking me cause she knows i can see it. i dont know but its killing me. im slowly loosing grip here and to be honest im waiting for my heart to snap and just explode on the next joke about how stupid i am.normally im a good sport about the jokes i have moments i get that but if you actually give me a Minuit or two i have my own opinions and thoughts.

i really just dont know what to do everything is falling yet again i cant keep anything together im dead inside to best describe it. i want my friends back i want my heart intact and i want adyson back. im tired of being the blonde bitch walkign around i have the bitch exterior because im am made fun of constantly. literally. im to the point where my phone can just get run over by a semi truck. filled with spiders. and see how many people really need me will find a way to get to me. i have insecurities granted everyone does but when yours are tested every day twenty times a day you get exhausted.

im tired of being me im tired of ruining everything and everyone and im tired of being this pathetic week person. i really need to escape for a few days and get away. i hate being in this position and i wish so badly for it to go away. i really dont want to snap on the people i love but im getting to the end of my rope.

something more

i just dont even know anymore i feel so much is wrong but i dont know what to do with it. i just dont know. im so lost .confused. lonely. and sad and dont know what to do with myself

i realized today that life is alot like a rollercoaster...i effing hate rollercoasters... kind of explains alot and my life right now i  hate it. alot.

but heres a song helping i guess

"Something More"

Monday, hard to wake up
Fill my coffee cup, I'm out the door
Yeah, the freeway's standing still today
It's gonna make me late, and thats for sure
I'm running out of gas and out of time
Never gonna make it there by nine

[Chorus:]
There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before I die

[Repeat Chorus]

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best believe that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I get home 7:30 the house is dirty, but it can wait
Yeah, 'cause right now I need some downtime
To drink some red wine and celebrate
Armageddon could be knocking at my door
But I ain't gonna answer that's for sure.
There's gotta be something!

[Repeat Chorus]

what to do.

what happens when you feel all alone.. when the only people who talk to you in two days is to get a ride somewhere.. it hurt honestly that i try to reconnect and we have long conversations about seeing each other more...those conversations never ever leave my head but to others they seem to vanish the instant the conversation is done. im tired of feeling like crap in so many way. im not asking for sympathy or pity but a hug or an i care and want to hear whats going on inside that head and not the surface would really be nice.. im kind of in the stage where people need to reach to me cause im too scared to reach out ive been denied and made fun of too many times. i was working a few weeks ago and i fumbled the drink as i called it grande earl-grey tea latte as i said these words i fumbled and the contents swayed ready to spill all over the counter i stop for a moment waiting to see the disaster ahead. it never spilled a drop. but it remind me a lot of my life that with one tiny blow im might just explode everywhere. i feel lost and a lot of other emotions...happy is not there to be honest maybe on the outside on select days but its almost a cover that if im not quote happy that people will see right through me. im not say they already dont but still. i had a question on a note asking what cant you wait for and i started typing happy but quickly changed it to, to not being in pain anymore i dont know why. i wish i had my friends back not these people who walk in and out of my life telling me lies that they will stay or that i wont run away. i went to the doctor finally about my sickness issues and still have no results i was honestly scared that id have to go by myself...i hate doctors with a passion as everyone else but they make me feel uncomfortable and me uncomfortable is well amusing but scares the living shit out of me i dont do good with being uncomfortable. anyway i found someone to come but i dont think they really cared they were there to help me i felt so distant from this person that used to be my best friend. she still is but its different i dont know whats happened with us but its not the same. what started this whole rant... the feeling of dis pare loneliness the fact that i do everything i can to save friendships and yet they never ever last.i have this youth tonight. i dont want to go cause i know everyone can see it in my eyes and i hate that , that they look at me like they do cause they know im sad no matter the biggest smile. why am i going to see people, maybe itll help although it never does. so people  dont ask questions why im not there. and also this girl i love to bits needs to get out of her house and feel loved too and im her only way out so im doing it for her mostly cause if she didnt want to go id probably stay home... i just feel so sore cause it feels my heart isnt there and my body is sore for the stress. im scared that the tests will come back fine medically theres nothing wrong with me. why. cause then its something else something ive been running from for a year now and im terrified that it is in fact true... theres alot of things running thought my head none of them good so many things i regret and so many things i can see my self regretting but i cant get up the courage to stop it im too comforatable hiding maybe im comfortable being unhappy im not sure but i hope it will end..-

a song  i found today that kind of makes me sad which also  started this rant

Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, or are we just getting more lost?

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first,
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.

I've been here so long; think that its time to move.
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon.
so let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow.

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know.
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world.
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
Until you hold my hand.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours first,
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse.
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words.

[Chorus]
We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage.
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand.
Until you hold my hand.

Swing life away,
Swing life away,
Swing life away,
Swing life away.